This week has been weird and/or good friendship wise. I had a good talk with my best friend and managed to clear the air about some weirdness between us as of late, which was good. It's always nice to get stuff like that off my chest. And I love that he's willing to talk stuff out with me. It kind of took us a while to get to that point. He really is a great friend. On the other hand, I'm starting to get kind of fed up with the whole ex-boyfriend scene. Apparently, we're not on speaking terms anymore, which I wasn't really informed of. I suppose that I haven't made the world's most valiant effort to be chummy with him, but I didn't expect to be ignored. It's sad to feel like I've lost a friend when we were such good friends before all of this happened. And I hate the fact that I can't make up my mind whether to be mad at him or miss him, and I still can't decide whether I still have any semblance of feelings for him. It's all very confusing and depressing. And it hits me at weird, inconvenient times. The other day, I was just riding in the car with mom and William, listening to "Fast Cars and Freedom" by Rascal Flatts, and for whatever reason the whole breakup thing just hit really hard and I busted out crying. But again, I wouldn't trade any of this because of how close it's brought me to Christ.
On that note, let's talk about Jesus. I feel like I've really reached a milestone in my walk with Him. I'm so excited about this hunger for the Word that I'm feeling, and I'm glad to be back in church. It's been sooooooo long since I've been to church, and I realized that I was spiritually starving myself by staying away. I've maintained a quiet time and prayer even though I wasn't attending church, but I still need the Fellowship. Jerel's message at AO the other night was quite convicting. He was talking about the Gospel going unpreached in our lives, due to pride, laziness, sin, fear, etc. I realized that I'm so busy being careful about what I say, or tiptoeing around people's feelings that I lose sight of the fact that people around me are hurting, empty, and in desperate need of Savior (just like me). Everyone needs Christ, whether they know/acknowledge it or not, and that includes me. We're all taught to be independent and self-sufficient, and what does that profit us? We learn how to close off our hearts, steel ourselves against the world, and in the process gain hard, unreachable hearts. The good news is that Christ can grab hold of even the hardest of hearts. He sure grabbed hold of mine. It's scary and sometimes painful to confront this reality and admit that we're flawed, weak, and needy. But the freedom and peace that come from admitting these facts and surrendering to a Christ (who doesn't condemn, chide, or say "I told you so") are worth it.
Speaking of condemnation, the Pinpoint "Evangelism" "ministers" came to campus again on Thursday to scream at students. I really don't know why MTSU continues to give them a permit to set up on campus, but for whatever reason, they do. I signed up to pass out flyers with AO that day so that people would know that we weren't affiliated with these men or their message. But when I left physics and got over there, no one from AO was around. So I just walked around the crowd for an hour or so and struck up conversations with people about Christ, some of the flaws in these men's message, and the people's lives and opinions. I actually got to have some really good conversations. Almost every person I spoke to claimed agnosticism or atheism, but grew up in one church or another. It broke my heart to hear each one of them tell me their reasons for leaving the church. Now, I'm not saying that their reasons were excusable. It's just that I've heard the reasons before, and they make me sad. Most of them left because of other church members or because of the legalistic brand of Christianity force-fed to them by yahoos like the Pinpoint guys. Now, everyone makes the choice to turn toward or away from Christ, so the people I spoke to cannot ultimately hold others accountable for their choice. But that does not excuse church-goers and Christians for behaving so deplorably. I don't think that churches should try to make themselves "consumer-friendly" or cater to societal demands, especially not when it causes them to water down the truth of the Gospel in order to not step on toes. But I also don't think that the church should be so busy picking the speck out of others' eyes while ignoring their own plank. I get really tired of legalism and condemnation. It's not our job as Christians to condemn anyone. That doesn't mean that we can't oppose sin, have opinions, or stand up for what's right. But we aren't supposed to tell anyone "You're going to Hell because you wear pants instead of skirts, or because you read the NIV Bible, or because you're gay." People don't go to Hell because of specific sins that are "worse" than others. People go Hell because of a decision to reject Christ as the Messiah and Savior, and it is NOT something to be flippant or happy about. It is absolutely heart-wrenching and horrible.
So when the "preachers" at school started getting particularly immature and inflammatory, I tried to ask them a question. When he came to me, he asked me, point blank, "Are you a professing Christian?". I don't know how he could tell, but I said "I don't know how that's relevant..." and so he asked me again, and I told him that I was. He then said "I'm not going to speak to you and I'm not going to answer your question." I have a sneaking suspicion that it has more to do with the fact that I'm a pants-and-makeup-wearing woman than the fact that I am a Christian, but whatever. Some guys behind me tried to defend me, but he staunchly refused to answer my questions. So I talked to a few more people, then started to leave. But as I was leaving, the thought occurred to me that no one was out there talking about the actual Truth, so I went back, stood at the back of the crowd and yelled, "If anyone wants to hear the real Gospel or what Christ is really like, I'll be under the awning of the KUC and I'd love to talk with you." That got the preacher pretty steamed, and he called me arrogant and said that it wasn't my place. A few people came and talked to me, and it was pretty awesome that I got so many opportunities to talk to people about Jesus.
Anyway, I suppose that this week has served to teach me several things. First, Satan is out there doing his best to confuse, hurt, and destroy people. But while he is very good at what he does, he is completely impotent and weak in light of my God, and has already been defeated. Second, people are hurting and searching. Many of them don't even realize what they're searching for, and that's why it's important to speak up about what you believe. Third, Christ allows someone as ill-equipped, sinful, and spiritually immature as me tell people about Him. The opportunity to tell others about Him should be seen as a privilege and joy, not an obligation, and I've failed horribly at seeing that way. But hopefully, the longer I walk with Him, the more He will transform my mind. I am so thankful for such a merciful, loving, holy, and personal Savior.
