I have found myself in a place in life where all of the things I previously used as mental anesthetics have been taken away. I'm back to eating healthy, so I can't look for comfort in food. I don't drink or smoke, so neither of those things work for me. I have had to say goodbye to a few people in my life that I used to find some solace with. And thus, I have nothing to find rest in but God.
And that is a very good thing.
Though it is not easy to adjust my life in such ways, and though it is not always fun to actually deal with the more unsavory parts of my heart, I am finding that it is good. In the past, I have been prone to seek Jesus only when I am at my wits' end. I only want Him when I have nothing else. But the changes I have made as of late have not been because God yanked everything out from under me. Rather, He showed me the things that were detracting from my relationship with Him, and offered me a choice. It seemed as though I could let these things go now, or later, but that either way I'd have to pay a price for holding on to them. And so I prayed that the Holy Spirit would enable me to let them go, and He did. I am still dealing with my desire to return to those things sometimes, because I'm not used to actually dealing with hurt in a constructive way.
However:
Despite the hurt and sadness and what not, I have seen God do some wonderful things in my life in the past few weeks. All of that was confirmation that the choices I made were good ones, and that He still (inexplicably) loves me despite my failings. One of the hardest and most staggering things that I am learning about right now is grace. I feel like it's something I'll wrestle with for the rest of my life, no matter how old or spiritually mature I get. The idea that I really can "cast my anxieties on Him" (1 Peter 5:7) and that sin does not have power over me because of His grace (Romans 6:14) absolutely blows my mind, and so completely opposes all that I believed about life, earning love, and "being a good Christian".
It is a truly humbling thing to know that I serve El Roi, "the God who sees me" (Genesis 16:13), and that even though He sees me in my entirety, with all of my sin and defiance, He loves me with a love that is barely within the realm of my comprehension. What a Savior.
