Pain...

"The cry of man's anguish went up to God,
'Lord take away pain:
The shadow that darkens the world Thou hast made,
The close-coiling chain
That strangles the heart, the burden that weighs
On the wings that would soar,
Lord, take away pain from the world Thou hast made,
That it love Thee the more.'

"Then answered the Lord to the cry of His world:
'Shall I take away pain,
And with it the power of the soul to endure,
Made strong by the strain?
Shall I take away pity, that knits heart to heart
And sacrifice high?
Will ye lose all your heroes that lift from the fire
White brows to the sky?
Shall I take away love that redeems with a price
And smiles at its loss?
Can ye spare from your lives that would climb unto Me
The Christ on His cross?"

Meditations...

So. This day has brought many different thoughts to my mind. I should be reading general chemistry for my MCAT, but I'm super distracted by all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I just took a run, and that kind of helped, but not entirely. So here goes...

1.) Lately, it seems as though a lot of my previous ideas about Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Word, and other such things are getting turned upside down. I mentioned this in my last post, but it goes a lot deeper than what I mentioned. I honestly feel like a new Christian. I've been doing things my way for so long, and I'm finally realizing, by God's grace, that those ways were not good, and they were not necessarily of Him. I feel that I'm actually starting to get to know Him, which sounds ridiculous after 21 years of church, and 7 years of supposedly being a believer...but it's just the truth. The Word jumps out at me like never before, and I love it! Also, I can't make heads or tails of the whole evangelism thing anymore, because for so long, it was all about trying to argue people into coming to Jesus. But after scrutiny of the Word, pondering the way that Jesus ministered to those around Him, and a few really good conversations with friends who are solid in their walk, I know that that approach is completely wrong. For the first time in my life, I want to simply listen to people, and share life with them, hopefully loving them as Christ loves. I want them to know the truth, and the older I get, the more I realize that people are a lot more likely to "listen" to your actions than your words. Also, the great in joy in my Calvinist beliefs is that I'm not the one responsible for saving people. I definitely have a responsibility to go and tell (see Matthew 28:19-20), but it is the Holy Spirit working in people's hearts that brings them to salvation. What a relief. So, it's pretty tough to realize that I've been so harsh and immature in my actions for so long, but praise Jesus, because He didn't let me continue in my stupidity.

2.) Med school. It's on the horizon...whoa.

3.) Dating: What's a girl to do? I honestly don't want to date, but I don't know that "courtship" is totally kosher either...My 6-month "no-dating" commitment ended May 6th of this year (just a few weeks ago...), and it's not like I have any prospects at the moment. And I'm actually content in that. But, sometimes, people walk into your life, and they make you question what exactly God would have you do should the situation arise. I don't know that I'll be in any sort of relationship with anyone in the very near future, unless someone just surprises me. But questions like "When/if I find someone or someone finds me, what sort of relationship set-up would honor the Lord most?", and "how on earth do you know if you're actually in love with this guy?" seem to come up way too frequently. My response as of late has been to simply lasso the thought and hand it to God for Him to deal with. Whatever the case, I know that He's got it all under control, and that it's simply my job to be still, wait on His timing, and not "awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Solomon 8:4b).

4.) I really want to go somewhere that is not the United States. Like, anywhere. Not because I don't love it here. I'm just itching to get out on the international mission field. However, I know that God has called me to medicine for now. But I'm really hoping that maybe He'll allow me to go on some sort of short-term mission trip overseas...I don't know...but it's an exciting prospect.

So...feels good to get all of that out. It feels even better to know that Jesus has it all under control. Man oh man..He sure is good.

"I know Your promises are faithful, and I, I've seen Your goodness in my life. Oh, I've found Your mercy is a river, Your love is an ocean. You say I am blessed because of this, and You get glory in the midst of this, and You're walking with me...You say I am blessed because of this, so I choose to believe that as I carry this cross, You'll carry me." (Audrey Assad)

Roll Away Your Stone, I'll Roll Away Mine...

So. Here I sit, having finished my junior year of college (!), 11 days away from taking my MCAT, and 12 days away from beginning my mission in the Smokies. Needless to say (but I'm gonna say it anyway...), I have a lot going on. I've spent a large part of the last two weeks vacillating between major anxiety + stress, and peace. My anxiety centers around two things: my financial state, and my future.

Anyone who knows me relatively well knows that I struggle deeply with anxiety about everything, most especially my future. I find it interesting (and I find the Lord's timing very obvious) that Brother Dean's sermons over the past couple of weeks have been on anxiety as a sin, and what one can do to combat it. I find myself constantly listening to my fears, which tell me that I will never get into medical school (especially not on my first try), that I will never be a doctor, and that being a doctor is all that I'm good for in this world. Instead of marveling at my blessings, as well as the numerous opportunities that He has granted me, I complete every task with the statement "It's still not enough". I think that perhaps this statement sums up a lot of my struggles in life. I find myself believing that I am not enough for people, that just being myself isn't enough of a reason for people to be good to me. I sometimes feel like no matter how hard I try in school, it's just never enough. I even find myself believing that my God is not enough, and this grieves my heart, because I know that it is not true, and that this kind of thinking dishonors Him.

However, thankfully, He is slowly whittling away these stony layers of self-proclaimed inadequacy, and bringing me into the realization that because Christ is in me, I have all that I will ever need. He is the fullness of God, and He is my Shield. His Holy Spirit is working in my life, and because I am a work-in-progress, I don't have to spend my time questioning whether I am good enough. He and I both know that I am not, though I sometimes put up a confident front; but because He loves me, He promises to fill me up and carry me through each day. That is more than I could ever ask for, yet He gives it freely and willingly. Now that, my friends, is an amazing kind of love.

And speaking of love...

Lately, Christ has been turning my ideas about love upside down. For the longest time, I associated the word "love" with sunshine and smiles, believing that if something really involves love, then it won't be tough or scary or sad. Turns out, there are far too many examples of love in the Word that involve tough, scary, and sad situations. In Genesis 22, Abraham's love for and desire to obey God causes him to nearly sacrifice his only son. In the book of Esther, Esther's love for her family and her people compelled her to risk her own life in order to save them from the hand of Haman and King Xerxes. The prophet Hosea was asked by God to love and remain faithful to his wife, though she was wayward, adulterous, and consistently rejected him. And of course, Christ laid down His life in the most humiliating and excruciatingly painful act of love in all history, all for a people who consistently betray Him. This leads me to believe that, while love is good, and sometimes sweet and happy, many times, love reaches deep beyond the realm of emotion, and tests the very foundations of the soul.

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul talks about what love is and is not. Love IS patient, IS kind, and it always hopes, trusts and perseveres. He also says that it does not envy, boast, is NOT proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, and does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth (found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6). It seems to me that real love is never a feeling, an emotion, or something easy. In fact, I think that it may be one of the greatest challenges of our human existence. I thought for so long that I was such a loving person, with all of these great intentions. Yet, when the Holy Spirit allowed me to step back and examine my heart, all I found apart from Him was wickedness and selfishness. I thought I was loving, because I didn't know what love was, and I'm still not sure that I grasp it entirely. I want to love as Christ loves, without condition and without reservation. A good friend and I have had many conversations recently about the fact that loving people and serving the Lord does not mean that you won't get walked on. In fact, it tends to be the case that these efforts cause you a lot of grief and invite people to walk on you. But the good news is that Jesus never said that you wouldn't get walked on...but He will be there to help you (and me) to love like He did. So, love is not sunshine and lollipops...it's a big scary rollercoaster ride that may result in injury...but it's worth it every time.

In other news, I started attending the Arabic Evangelical Church here in the Boro this month, and I am absolutely in love with it. There's something strangely wonderful about worshipping the Lord in a different language, and I've met so many wonderful people there! I can't wait to actually start learning some serious Arabic so that I won't need as much translation.

My MCAT is in a few days, and I'm nervous, but also surprisingly peaceful. As I sit here, there is a $700 check on my nightstand, given to me by my ever-generous aunt and uncle, to pay for the cost of my medical school application. I'll pay them back in August, but I cannot get over their generosity, as well as how God just continues to provide at every turn. He just blows my mind every time, and every time I am struck by how silly (and sinful) it is for me to ever doubt His providence and mercy.

I will be leaving for the Smoky Mountains (yay mission trip!) May 27th, and I cannot wait. I actually have to be at the dorm exactly 24 hours after I finish my MCAT! I am super excited to see how the Lord is going to change and shape me this summer, and I only hope that He will use me as a vessel to proclaim His truth. I would ask that those of you who are praying for me would pray I will be a usable vessel, and that I would soak up as much of His Word as I can. Pray that He would fill me completely with His love, so that that love can be poured into others, and pray for the people that I am going to encounter as I work this summer. Pray that I would be bold in proclaiming the truth, and that I would not back down.

Thanks to everyone who has been and will be praying for me! I love and appreciate you all! :)