Hebrews 4:12
Saturdays tend to lend themselves to introspection.
As I sit here and listen to Mark Driscoll preach about women and femininity, I get the feeling that I've been waiting my whole life to hear this sermon. And my first reaction to it?
Fury.
The longer I listened, the more angry I became, throwing out words like a "misogynist" and "fundamentalist". And then...the Holy Spirit (thankfully) took hold.
A couple of nights ago, I had a very intense conversation with a friend, in which the conclusion was reached that one of the largest roots of my issues is my completely messed-up view of femininity. From it, stems problems in my relationships with men and women, issues with my own self-image, lack of confidence, etc. (the list could go on for a long time).
Last night, I listened to a sermon on singleness by John Piper. It was great. Really encouraging. But, I twisted it. In my mind, it became a justification for my own sinful attitudes. You see, I had decided that I was going to be single forever. And not in the "Oh, poor me! I'll never find a man because I'm so ugly/fat/stupid/etc.!" way. No. I thought that I wanted to be single because marriage was for the weak (even though I denied that with my lips). But more than that, I wanted to be single, because I want things my way. The idea of belonging to someone other than myself scared me to death, and the idea of having to give up my time, my dreams, my wants, anything, for a husband and children nauseated me.
Yep, that's right. Me, who thought I knew so much about the Bible. Me, who inhales Elisabeth Elliot books and Spurgeon devotionals. I knew just enough to completely mislead myself, and just little enough to think I knew it all.
But, thanks be to God, for the gift of the Holy Spirit, the Counselor, and for His Word, which pierces so deeply as to divide soul and spirit.
I feel like I had an epiphany. I realized as I got angrier and angrier, that that was exactly the problem. My messed-up view of femininity stems, not from being a victim of bullying as a kid, or from not fitting in with other girls....it stems from my prideful, selfish, sin nature that thinks I can do better than God. I thought that I was a doing the world, and women everywhere, a favor, by being the loud, obnoxious voice of liberated, single, closet-feminist women everywhere.
But...
As it turns out, being a liberated woman has nothing to do with being able to out-earn, out-scream, or out-man men, and has everything to do with freedom in Christ to be exactly what God has called me to be: a woman.
I have fought so long, and so hard against the idea that it is good to be a mother, and a wife, and be at home. I was convinced that I was too smart for this, and that I would be wasting my potential if I did not rail against it.
In reality, my war on marriage was the amalgamation of several really hurtful things in my life. I believed that marriage and relationships were really just ways to subjugate women and keep them from reaching their full potential. I believed this, in part, because I had been hurt by so many different guys, and really believed that since none of them seemed to find me worthy, that I would just throw it back in their face and reject them as well. I also believed this because of my belief that I am not "wife material", since I do not fit my own view of femininity, which revolves around clothes, makeup, and a working knowledge of all things Lauren Conrad-esque. Since I could not be "feminine" in such a way, I decided (somewhere around age 15) that the best course of action was to pursue "masculinity", since that was what I perceived my love of politics + theology, and disdain of emotion to be.
In my sophomore women's studies class, we talked about a concept called "horizontal hostility", which is defined as "the result of people of targeted groups believing, acting on, or enforcing the dominant system of discrimination and oppression." In my case, this refers to my disdain toward women, a group which I am obviously a part of. As it turns out, the men who advocate married women staying at home with their children aren't the misogynists...I was. Because of my skewed view of femininity, I labeled women as bad, and men as good, and thus looked down on women. I wanted to distance myself from them, in order to win the approval of men who hated women.
Messed up? Yes. Uncommon? I think not.
So, this post is a very disorganized group of my thoughts, having just finished listening to the sermon. There will be more to come on what I've learned later. But for now, I leave you with my conclusions:
1.) Being a woman is not all about being desirable to men, whether that's by caking your face with makeup, or having a beer at the pub with them when you'd rather have an appletini.
2.) Women are great, and God made us different from men for a reason.
3.) It is not marriage and children that subjugate women, but Satan Himself, who whispers "Did God actually say..?" and lies to them about their own self-sufficiency in order to draw them away from Christ. (See Genesis 3).
4.) I may be single for life, or I may marry. Whatever the case, I will no longer condemn one or the other as bad, and will not elevate either as the ultimate ideal.
[So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They answered him, “We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?”
Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."]
(John 8:31-36)
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