Let That Be Enough.

As I sit here, listening to Paul Washer preach on "Regeneration v. the Idolatry of 'Decisional Evangelism'", I find myself re-evaluating my life. It has recently been brought to my attention (by the Holy Spirit) that I have a real problem with authority. I have also failed at evangelism.

This is not to say that I'm wallowing in some guilt-puddle. This feeling is very strange to me, because it's not guilt so much as disappointment, mixed with an urge to start telling people the truth about Christ. Washer speaks of evangelism as it is approached today, with a deeply secular, humanist and/or pluralist mindset...he talks about how the Gospel IS OFFENSIVE. No getting around it. It's going to offend people, because it's exclusive. He is so bold in his proclamation, and it causes me to think about the many times that I've sat by quietly and listened to the propagation of lies. Cari Jennings, the grand poobah of chit chat, sits, speechless, as evil is poured into someone's ears. I also think back to the times when I've watered it down, because I don't want to seem like some crazy, right-wing fanatic who knocks on strangers' doors out of some guilt-ridden sense of duty.

...But if I really sit down and ponder it...

This life is short. Very short. In comparison with eternity, it isn't even a blip on time's radar. So if life is short, eternity is long, and I will (relatively speaking) soon stand before a holy, perfect God, who knows EVERYTHING about me...what am I doing here in the meantime? If Hell is real (and it is...), and Christ is the only way to the Father (which He most definitely is...), and people haven't heard this fact, then why am I not standing on rooftops, yelling at people to inform them, nay, warn them?

I make small talk, and try my best to weave Jesus into that tapestry...yet so many times, I just get scared and keep blathering on about the weather, or Arabic class, or something ridiculous.

I've been very wrapped up in myself. I thought that my goals were to glorify God with my life, and to spread His Good News....turns out, when I really examine myself, I see that all of my goals revolve around my endless search for happiness, for something to fill the aching void inside my soul. I want to be a doctor...I say that that's so I can serve the under-served, minister to the needy...but is that really why? Or am I simply excited about the prospect of a comfy, financially-stable suburban life here in the States? I want to get married and (maybe) start a family someday...but is that for the sake of becoming holier and raising up children that will glorify Him, or is it about finding a man to validate me and fill that void that Jesus should occupy?

What. Am. I. Really. Up. To?

I spend my days, shirking duties, being lazy, and living from "happy" moment to "happy" moment, never content in what I find in those moments. Always wanting more. More time. More of this guy or that guy. More money. More stuff. More friends. More recognition. More, more, more.

There are times when I wish that I could steal away for a while, live on my own, with none of my friends/family around, no men, no nothing, and just ponder. Seek God in a vacuum, so to speak. But in reality, I think that perhaps that's one of our great tests as humans...to seek Him in the midst of the chaos, the noise, the constant distractions grappling for our attention.

Why am I so afraid? Rejection is not new for me...I have learned that I can, by His grace, handle it, so what part of people spurning the Gospel scares me so much? It's not even me that they're rejecting.

So, the question I pose is this: how exactly do we, Biblically-grounded, Reformed Christians go about evangelism? Does it matter if people think we're crazy? Do we simply not have the time try to candy-coat the Gospel? While relational evangelism is effective and seemingly better than angry Bible-thumping, is there a place for the folks standing on sidewalks and street corners, yelling and warning the masses? How do I share Him with others in a way that glorifies Him and is also obedient to His commands?

So...what I am searching for these days is this: to know Him. Deeper than ever before. I don't want to worship Him with my lips and despise Him in my heart, though that is what I am prone to. I want to tell others about Him, and not just with my actions. That's an easy cop-out for me...evangelism by example is important, but so is talking to people. I want to be bold. I want to stop being ridiculous. I want to crave Him above all other cravings. I want to cease being immature, and just grow. I don't want my life to be wasted in trivial pursuits, scurrying around day after day, until, suddenly, I'm face-to-face with Jesus having done nothing worthwhile.

People are wandering through life, headed directly for Hell, every moment of every day. Only Jesus can draw them to Himself...but He most certainly commanded us to "...go and make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:19a). Lord, let me live with urgency and boldness, so that I may one day stand before You and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."