Crazy Talk.

It is easy to be patient in waiting for something when you know that you're guaranteed the thing you want.

It is a wholly different story when you have no such guarantee.

For the longest, I had no qualms with waiting on God, because I knew that whatever He was making me wait on was worth the wait, and that I was guaranteed a "good" outcome, because whatever the outcome was, I knew that it was His will, and so it couldn't be bad.

But now, I am faced with a bit of a conundrum. I want something that I have no guarantee of. And it's almost as though I want it regardless of whether or not it will be a good or bad thing for me. It's very difficult for me to simply "let it go", though I know God's faithfulness, and have seen it in overwhelming measure in my life. Even as I sit here, I feel stupid for feeling this way, because my intellect knows that there's nothing He would ever do that wouldn't work out for the best ("the best" referring to my sanctification, not necessarily my temporal happiness). But that's just it: my feelings seem beyond my control, and I suppose they are. I know that my heart is deceptive. But I KNOW that I want this. Yes, it's a person. A fallible person, who could never really fix anything in my life, or fill any void that Christ can't...I can't find a logical reason why I feel this way. I just do. And that bothers me. I would much prefer to just move along and get over it...but that just hasn't happened.

I am simply haunted by past experience. More than anything, I am afraid of this scenario playing out like all the others and ending in my heartbreak.

And yet....

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD! (Psalm 27:13-14)

...and therefore, I have nothing to actually fear. Whether or not any of this "works out" for me, it will all be worked for my good by the One who sees me. What a comfort. It just feels good to get it off my chest.

Run with Patience (Streams in the Desert)

"Let us run with patience" (Heb. 12:1). To run with patience is a very difficult thing. Running is apt to suggest the absence of patience, the eagerness to reach the goal. We commonly associate patience with lying down. We think of it as the angel that guards the couch of the invalid. Yet, I do not think the invalid's patience the hardest to achieve. There is a patience which I believe to be harder--the patience that can run. To lie down in the time of grief, to be quiet under the stroke of adverse fortune, implies a great strength; but I know of something that implies a strength greater still: It is the power to work under a stroke; to have a great weight at your heart and still to run; to have a deep anguish in your spirit and still perform the daily task. It is a Christlike thing! Many of us would nurse our grief without crying if we were allowed to nurse it. The hard thing is that most of us are called to exercise our patience, not in bed, but in the street. We are called to bury our sorrows, not in lethargic quiescence, but in active service--in the exchange, in the workshop, in the hour of social intercourse, in the contribution to another's joy. There is no burial of sorrow so difficult as that; it is the "running with patience." This was Thy patience, O Son of man! It was at once a waiting and a running--a waiting for the goal, and a doing of the lesser work meantime. I see Thee at Cana turning the water into wine lest the marriage feast should be clouded. I see Thee in the desert feeding a multitude with bread just to relieve a temporary want. All, all the time, Thou wert bearing a mighty grief, unshared, unspoken. Men ask for a rainbow in the cloud; but I would ask more from Thee. I would be, in my cloud, myself a rainbow--a minister to others' joy. My patience will be perfect when it can work in the vineyard. --George Matheson "When all our hopes are gone, 'Tis well our hands must keep toiling on For others' sake: For strength to bear is found in duty done; And he is best indeed who learns to make The joy of others cure his own heartache."

Patient anticipation.

So. It's been a long time since my last post. I've been quite busy lately. I'm nearly finished with my Honors thesis, a 45-page behemoth of a paper that I wrote about my research. I will defend it in front of a committee of professors on November 10th (2 weeks from today!). That has consumed a great deal of my time, and I will be glad when it's finished so I can focus on my other classes.

I received my long-awaited secondary application from Quillen College of Medicine (ETSU) on Tuesday, and I'm so excited! I really hope that Quillen is part of God's will for my life, because I absolutely love it there. I would love nothing more than to go to the school, and practice medicine in the mountains. But at this point, I could go anywhere...I received secondary applications from UT Memphis, Virginia Commonwealth, University of Louisville, and Meharry. So, I have been blessed in a major way, and am super excited to see what lies ahead.

So...onto something that has occupied the greater portion of my thoughts, unfortunately.

Lately, I have really struggled and wrestled with my feelings for someone. My issues lie not so much in the feelings, but in the waiting. Waiting to know if he feels the same. Waiting to say something...waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience is not a strength of mine, and this has been so distracting for me. I've tried staying away from him, but I just can't seem to. Even when I try to stay away, there he is. I have prayed for God to take my feelings away. And He hasn't.

At first, I believed that this was because something was supposed to happen...that all this was pointing to a relationship. At this point, I'm not sure that that's the case. But one thing I do know...

This has taught me so much about the nature of God. When I cry, He comforts me. When I ask him for clarity and freedom from distraction, He grants it. Nothing causes me to dig into the Word like heartache. The Word says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18), and I believe it. I hate that it takes heartbreak to bring me back sometimes, and I pray that this experience will teach me to stay near Him at all times.

I cannot get over how good He is, and and how faithful He's been to me. I am so quick to run to my idols, to turn my gaze aside to something else...and every time, the result is the same. I run back to him, ashamed of my own unfaithfulness, my weakness. But..."...He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Ps 103:14). I am so thankful for a God who not only saves me from my sin, but teaches me to abhor it. I am thankful for a God who does not allow me to take the easy way out...who leaves thorns in flesh, that I may be truly healed. Times like these hurt, and they make me want to quit at times...but I know that "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." (Romans 8:28-29).

So, I wait. I wait with patient anticipation of the good that He will work in my life, knowing that it's all working together to make me holy, but most importantly, to bring Him glory. He is the only one worthy of my praise and yours, and I praise Him for all things given to me, both joyful and painful.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." (Romans 8:24-25)