Patient anticipation.

So. It's been a long time since my last post. I've been quite busy lately. I'm nearly finished with my Honors thesis, a 45-page behemoth of a paper that I wrote about my research. I will defend it in front of a committee of professors on November 10th (2 weeks from today!). That has consumed a great deal of my time, and I will be glad when it's finished so I can focus on my other classes.

I received my long-awaited secondary application from Quillen College of Medicine (ETSU) on Tuesday, and I'm so excited! I really hope that Quillen is part of God's will for my life, because I absolutely love it there. I would love nothing more than to go to the school, and practice medicine in the mountains. But at this point, I could go anywhere...I received secondary applications from UT Memphis, Virginia Commonwealth, University of Louisville, and Meharry. So, I have been blessed in a major way, and am super excited to see what lies ahead.

So...onto something that has occupied the greater portion of my thoughts, unfortunately.

Lately, I have really struggled and wrestled with my feelings for someone. My issues lie not so much in the feelings, but in the waiting. Waiting to know if he feels the same. Waiting to say something...waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience is not a strength of mine, and this has been so distracting for me. I've tried staying away from him, but I just can't seem to. Even when I try to stay away, there he is. I have prayed for God to take my feelings away. And He hasn't.

At first, I believed that this was because something was supposed to happen...that all this was pointing to a relationship. At this point, I'm not sure that that's the case. But one thing I do know...

This has taught me so much about the nature of God. When I cry, He comforts me. When I ask him for clarity and freedom from distraction, He grants it. Nothing causes me to dig into the Word like heartache. The Word says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18), and I believe it. I hate that it takes heartbreak to bring me back sometimes, and I pray that this experience will teach me to stay near Him at all times.

I cannot get over how good He is, and and how faithful He's been to me. I am so quick to run to my idols, to turn my gaze aside to something else...and every time, the result is the same. I run back to him, ashamed of my own unfaithfulness, my weakness. But..."...He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Ps 103:14). I am so thankful for a God who not only saves me from my sin, but teaches me to abhor it. I am thankful for a God who does not allow me to take the easy way out...who leaves thorns in flesh, that I may be truly healed. Times like these hurt, and they make me want to quit at times...but I know that "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." (Romans 8:28-29).

So, I wait. I wait with patient anticipation of the good that He will work in my life, knowing that it's all working together to make me holy, but most importantly, to bring Him glory. He is the only one worthy of my praise and yours, and I praise Him for all things given to me, both joyful and painful.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." (Romans 8:24-25)