Crazy Talk.

It is easy to be patient in waiting for something when you know that you're guaranteed the thing you want.

It is a wholly different story when you have no such guarantee.

For the longest, I had no qualms with waiting on God, because I knew that whatever He was making me wait on was worth the wait, and that I was guaranteed a "good" outcome, because whatever the outcome was, I knew that it was His will, and so it couldn't be bad.

But now, I am faced with a bit of a conundrum. I want something that I have no guarantee of. And it's almost as though I want it regardless of whether or not it will be a good or bad thing for me. It's very difficult for me to simply "let it go", though I know God's faithfulness, and have seen it in overwhelming measure in my life. Even as I sit here, I feel stupid for feeling this way, because my intellect knows that there's nothing He would ever do that wouldn't work out for the best ("the best" referring to my sanctification, not necessarily my temporal happiness). But that's just it: my feelings seem beyond my control, and I suppose they are. I know that my heart is deceptive. But I KNOW that I want this. Yes, it's a person. A fallible person, who could never really fix anything in my life, or fill any void that Christ can't...I can't find a logical reason why I feel this way. I just do. And that bothers me. I would much prefer to just move along and get over it...but that just hasn't happened.

I am simply haunted by past experience. More than anything, I am afraid of this scenario playing out like all the others and ending in my heartbreak.

And yet....

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD! (Psalm 27:13-14)

...and therefore, I have nothing to actually fear. Whether or not any of this "works out" for me, it will all be worked for my good by the One who sees me. What a comfort. It just feels good to get it off my chest.