من قوة إلى قوة...

يَنْمُونَ مِنْ قُوَّةٍ إِلَى قُوَّةٍ، إِذْ يَمْثُلُ كُلُّ وَاحِدٍ أَمَامَ اللهِ فِي صِهْيَوْنَ.

They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

(Psalm 84:7)

Deep thoughts in a hookah bar...

How much time have I wasted waiting around for things to happen?

How much time have I spent longing for something which will never be?

It just dawned on me today that I've spent large portions of my time so far thinking about, analyzing, and worrying over wonderful things that I wish would happen, and terrible things that are very unlikely to happen to me.

Jim Elliot once wrote "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." I realized today, as I pondered his words, that I have failed in this respect. I have lived in a world of "what-ifs" and "maybes". Jim Elliot also wrote "What is, is actual--what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me of things that are not." I cannot spend my days wondering why He hasn't granted me certain things, or why He has given me others. Each and every burden (as well as every single blessing) has been granted me as a part of His plan...there is nothing outside the realm of His control. Indeed, "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28b) He is leading me "from strength to strength", and He does not falter.

Sometimes, however, it's tough. It's tough to trust when I thought that something was so right. It's difficult to realize that my heart can be so deceptive, and that I cannot trust my feelings all the time. And yet, when I really think about it, it's almost silly to believe that I could have trusted myself in the first place. I know that my heart is wicked, and that there is no good in me. So, even the best plan that I could devise is flawed, and serves my own selfish interests. It is downright logical to abandon all worry, knowing that the Almighty God is in control of my every circumstance . His Word says that "...His eyes are on the ways of a man, and he sees all his steps." (Job 34:21), and so I know that I need never worry. But I tell you, the 18 inches from my brain to my heart can seem like miles when it comes to my faith. My brain finds it relatively easy to reason things out and make logical decisions. It's my heart that interferes. The Word says that "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Yet again, I know this, but my feelings contradict. It seems as though the Christian life is one of constant denial of self...of leaving behind the things that "make sense" by worldly standards of logic.

I find in myself more contradiction as well. My scientific mind wants to reason things out, and loves logic, rules, and patterns. Unexpected things and the unknown tend to make me anxious. On the other hand, another side of me would rather just go with the flow, fly by the seat of my pants, and live life in a more haphazard fashion, simply allowing things to happen and waiting for responses. It's pretty interesting trying to reconcile these facets of my mind. Oswald Chambers said that Christ doesn't redeem our fallen qualities...He completely replaces them with His Godly qualities. An interesting point indeed.

But here's some food for thought (and yet another one of the "what-ifs" that I'm so fond of):

....What if these seemingly irreconcilable qualities are yet another way for God to glorify Himself through my life?

On to other thoughts....

As I sit here in the hookah bar (not smoking, of course... :3) and listen to the conversation around me (eavesdropper, much?), I am taken aback at how idle it is. I am not judging them, because I have been and am just as guilty, if not more so, of this sort of conversation. But it causes me to question how God feels about it when Christians talk like this and brings me full circle to my thoughts on wasted time...

Is every conversation supposed to be deeply theological? What does it mean for conversation to be "seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6)? If I will have to give an account for every word I speak (and I'm certain that I will (Matthew 12:36)), then how will God judge my conversations about men, clothing, Facebook...etc.? My time here on Earth is short, and Jesus is my everything, so why do I waste so much time talking about things that, in the grand scheme (or even in the present) matter very little?

Lots to meditate on this evening.

For now, I leave you with one of my favorite passages.

Blessed are those whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the LORD.
Blessed are those who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart—
they do no wrong
but follow his ways.
You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all your commands.
I will praise you with an upright heart
as I learn your righteous laws.
I will obey your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me.

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, LORD;
teach me your decrees.
With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.
I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.
I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

(Psalm 119:1-16)