"Look down, Lord God, and see patiently, as you are accustomed to do, how diligently the sons of men observe the conventional rules of letters and syllables, taught them by those who learned their letters beforehand, while they neglect the eternal rules of everlasting salvation taught by You."
[St. Augustine of Hippo]
Over the course of this Christmas break, I haven't had anything particularly urgent looming over me, so I've had a lot of time to think, read, pray, and reflect. One of the primary conclusions that I have come to is that I struggle very deeply with my desperate need for rules, for a checklist.
Sometimes, lists and rules are great things. They help me stay organized, and provide me with boundaries and clear guidelines for how to accomplish goals. A lot of my early success in school and life in general came about because I learned how to follow the rules. In terms of my faith, I have found that God has truly set boundaries for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6), and there is much to be said for adhering to doctrine and the commands of the Lord.
However...
Even good things can become bad if misused. As of late, I have seen my love of rules and boundaries morph into soul-killing legalism. I became Pharisaic in my building of walls around my own law (loosely based on God's law...). I was (am) so scared of falling that I built (am building) a wall that keeps me isolated not only from sin, but from God and those around me. I walk around with guilt over my inability to live up to my own standards, and lash out at others when they also fail to meet them. I tell myself that Christ could not truly love me, and so I beg Him to simply not hate me. I cannot give grace because I cannot accept grace; even though I see and know my sin, my flesh still maintains the lie that I am good, and have no need of change.
I have been a believer for years, and yet I still feel that I do not know Christ as I should....sometimes, He seems almost foreign to me, like a stranger. Concepts like grace and mercy are unbelievably hard for me to understand and accept...it seems that no matter how much I try, I keep falling into a pattern of trying to earn grace, of trying to be good enough. But there also never seems to be much middle ground. I'm either striving to be perfect, or I completely give up, lose control, and indulge in whatever I want. I echo Paul's cry to God in Romans 7: "So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" I am so weary of this pattern. Sometimes, I feel so confused that I hardly want to do anything other than stop thinking.
It is very easy to go to church, be involved in all sorts of church-based activities, and even study the deeper theological concepts, and completely miss out on what it means to really abide in Christ. I know, because I'm very good at this sort of thing, unfortunately. See, my flesh consistently tells me that my need to be honest, acknowledge my sin, accept grace, and move on is not nearly as urgent as my need to keep up appearances, stay invulnerable, and pretend that I'm perfect just the way I am. Many times, I feel like my walk consists more of hurrying to check certain religious duties off of some cosmic checklist, feeling guilty when I don't, and subsequently distancing myself from Jesus.
However:
The Word says that Christ is "making all things new" (Revelation 21:5). The word "making" implies that He is consistently doing this, and this one word encourages me greatly. It is such a relief to know that I am a work in progress, and that the one who is doing the "making" is Christ, the eternal, holy, perfect, loving God of the universe. This is a truth that I will have to remind myself of each day, and throughout the day, because I will inevitably forget. I am also encouraged by the fact that the passage I mentioned earlier in Romans 7 doesn't end where I left off...Paul goes on to say "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." (Romans 7:25-8:4, emphases are mine). Talk about encouragement. God, in His absolutely amazing foreknowledge, knew that I would not be able to do it, to live up to the standard of perfect holiness. And instead of simply leaving me to my own devices, abandoning me to wallow in my own filthy version of righteousness, He tore the curtain in two and offered His Son, Himself, as the perfect, final sacrifice as atonement for offenses that I have committed against Him.
He knew. He knew exactly how many times I would betray Him. He knew how many times I would turn my back, keep silent, or run away. He knew that I would turn my face away and try to be good on my own, knowing how wrong that was. He knew. And yet....He willingly walked to the whipping post and to the cross. He could have come down off the cross at any moment and put an end to His agony. But He didn't. He saw into eternity to come, knew my face, knew my name, and stayed on the cross, not because He saw anything good in me, but because of His unending, inexpressible love and mercy.
So. This year, I am resolved to live differently in light of these truths. I am not going to set forth New Years' Resolutions like I normally do. I will not make a new list of rules for myself. Instead, I will only fall at His feet on a daily basis, and learn to be more like Him, to live my life solely for the purpose of bringing Him glory and making His name known. A love like that leaves me no room for regret, wasted time, or legalism. I pray that in the coming year, He will use me up, and that when all is said and done, the only thing people will see in me is Him.
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
(Romans 8:25-39)
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