Long Time, No Post...

So hey folks. It's been a while. As I sit here listening to T.I. and prepping for tonight's babysitting gig, I realize that the past month has been a crazy one. It's funny how rather than changing little by little, I seem to change in gigantic, mind-altering bouts. I suppose that that's just the way I am. So, here's a recap of the past month...

February was kind of crappy. Short, but crappy. Some good things happened, but it started out with me getting sick with a monster case of bronchitis (which came back at the beginning of March). I managed to wear myself down to the point that I became extremely depressed and confused. I was sick, sleep-deprived, sad, and lonely. It was pretty darn awful. I was in the darkest place that I've ever been in my life, and it was really scary. It's amazing what can happen to your mind when you isolate yourself, don't take care of yourself physically or spiritually, and stress yourself out. You begin to question your entire life up to that point, and even things that you know to be solid truth can come in to question. It all came to the boiling point the week before Spring Break. I had our clusterfrick (yes, I did just edit that term) of a physics midterm project to do, an organic quiz, and a micro exam all in the same week. I was terribly sick, but ended up having to put off getting my meds because I just didn't have the time to pick them up. As a result, I got sicker. We turned in our physics project, and, as far as I can tell, it went well. I think I did ok on the micro exam, and I'm almost positive that I failed that organic quiz. So because of my sickness, my organic failure, and the fact that all of my friends were pretty much leaving town for the week, I spiraled into some serious depression. I knew in my mind that I really didn't have anything to be so upset about, but that didn't make me feel any less sad or alone. It finally got to be unbearable, so I talked to my mom about it. She really helped a lot, just like she always does. But I was still feeling kind of down, so I went to church the next day, which was awesome. But then I was still afraid to be by myself and still pretty sad. I went to Pancake Pantry with my friends, and still didn't feel better, and ended up emotionally vomiting all over my best friend (which actually helped a little). But after a round of antibiotics, steroids, cough medicine, some intensive Bible-reading time/prayer, and some rest and exercise, I started feeling better. I decided to go see my Tullahoma family (i.e., Uncle Olan and Aunt Brenda + Granddaddy Kemp and Lin) on Wednesday, and it was probably the best decision I've made in a long time. First of all, the drive was fabulous. The weather was perfect, and you just can beat country roads with a James Taylor soundtrack. Once I got to Uncle Olan's, we were able to sit and talk for like, two hours, about everything that's been going on with me. I never thought that I'd be able to talk to him like I do. He was so very helpful and encouraging. Then I went over to Granddaddy's farm to see he and Lin, and that visit was great, too. They seemed genuinely happy to see me, which made me feel good. Thursday, I got to hang with my fam since LB drove my car to school. I got see Cameron and LB in The Wizard of Oz, and I'll get to see them again on Sunday afternoon. They're pretty darn awesome. Today was great because I got to sleep in and then go have a bangin' lunch with mom. Tonight, I have to go babysit this kid I've never met before, but his mom seems pretty nice so I'm sure all will be well. Tomorrow I get to babysit my four most favorite children ever, 3 of which are in Smyrna and 1 who lives in Murfreesboro. And then school begins again on Monday...but this time, I think I'll be better equipped to handle it. :) More to come on the big changes later....

Z-Paks and Codeine and Dayquil, oh my!

So, if you didn't infer this from my title, I'm sick. :/ I've got a mean case of bronchitis, so I'm pretty much coughing my lungs up. I think I may have exacerbated the situation by standing out in the freezing cold rain on Thursday. But I'll get to that story in a minute. Since I'm sick, I get to spend the day home, alone, and in bed, which may actually be a really good thing for me. I need to rest after the week I've had. It hasn't been super stressful (well, maybe a little...), but being sick, having a physics exam and organic quiz kind of makes for a frenzied week. However, the frenzy seems to have paid off, as I did well on both. I think that I have finally figured out a pattern of studying that works for me.

This week has been weird and/or good friendship wise. I had a good talk with my best friend and managed to clear the air about some weirdness between us as of late, which was good. It's always nice to get stuff like that off my chest. And I love that he's willing to talk stuff out with me. It kind of took us a while to get to that point. He really is a great friend. On the other hand, I'm starting to get kind of fed up with the whole ex-boyfriend scene. Apparently, we're not on speaking terms anymore, which I wasn't really informed of. I suppose that I haven't made the world's most valiant effort to be chummy with him, but I didn't expect to be ignored. It's sad to feel like I've lost a friend when we were such good friends before all of this happened. And I hate the fact that I can't make up my mind whether to be mad at him or miss him, and I still can't decide whether I still have any semblance of feelings for him. It's all very confusing and depressing. And it hits me at weird, inconvenient times. The other day, I was just riding in the car with mom and William, listening to "Fast Cars and Freedom" by Rascal Flatts, and for whatever reason the whole breakup thing just hit really hard and I busted out crying. But again, I wouldn't trade any of this because of how close it's brought me to Christ.

On that note, let's talk about Jesus. I feel like I've really reached a milestone in my walk with Him. I'm so excited about this hunger for the Word that I'm feeling, and I'm glad to be back in church. It's been sooooooo long since I've been to church, and I realized that I was spiritually starving myself by staying away. I've maintained a quiet time and prayer even though I wasn't attending church, but I still need the Fellowship. Jerel's message at AO the other night was quite convicting. He was talking about the Gospel going unpreached in our lives, due to pride, laziness, sin, fear, etc. I realized that I'm so busy being careful about what I say, or tiptoeing around people's feelings that I lose sight of the fact that people around me are hurting, empty, and in desperate need of Savior (just like me). Everyone needs Christ, whether they know/acknowledge it or not, and that includes me. We're all taught to be independent and self-sufficient, and what does that profit us? We learn how to close off our hearts, steel ourselves against the world, and in the process gain hard, unreachable hearts. The good news is that Christ can grab hold of even the hardest of hearts. He sure grabbed hold of mine. It's scary and sometimes painful to confront this reality and admit that we're flawed, weak, and needy. But the freedom and peace that come from admitting these facts and surrendering to a Christ (who doesn't condemn, chide, or say "I told you so") are worth it.

Speaking of condemnation, the Pinpoint "Evangelism" "ministers" came to campus again on Thursday to scream at students. I really don't know why MTSU continues to give them a permit to set up on campus, but for whatever reason, they do. I signed up to pass out flyers with AO that day so that people would know that we weren't affiliated with these men or their message. But when I left physics and got over there, no one from AO was around. So I just walked around the crowd for an hour or so and struck up conversations with people about Christ, some of the flaws in these men's message, and the people's lives and opinions. I actually got to have some really good conversations. Almost every person I spoke to claimed agnosticism or atheism, but grew up in one church or another. It broke my heart to hear each one of them tell me their reasons for leaving the church. Now, I'm not saying that their reasons were excusable. It's just that I've heard the reasons before, and they make me sad. Most of them left because of other church members or because of the legalistic brand of Christianity force-fed to them by yahoos like the Pinpoint guys. Now, everyone makes the choice to turn toward or away from Christ, so the people I spoke to cannot ultimately hold others accountable for their choice. But that does not excuse church-goers and Christians for behaving so deplorably. I don't think that churches should try to make themselves "consumer-friendly" or cater to societal demands, especially not when it causes them to water down the truth of the Gospel in order to not step on toes. But I also don't think that the church should be so busy picking the speck out of others' eyes while ignoring their own plank. I get really tired of legalism and condemnation. It's not our job as Christians to condemn anyone. That doesn't mean that we can't oppose sin, have opinions, or stand up for what's right. But we aren't supposed to tell anyone "You're going to Hell because you wear pants instead of skirts, or because you read the NIV Bible, or because you're gay." People don't go to Hell because of specific sins that are "worse" than others. People go Hell because of a decision to reject Christ as the Messiah and Savior, and it is NOT something to be flippant or happy about. It is absolutely heart-wrenching and horrible.

So when the "preachers" at school started getting particularly immature and inflammatory, I tried to ask them a question. When he came to me, he asked me, point blank, "Are you a professing Christian?". I don't know how he could tell, but I said "I don't know how that's relevant..." and so he asked me again, and I told him that I was. He then said "I'm not going to speak to you and I'm not going to answer your question." I have a sneaking suspicion that it has more to do with the fact that I'm a pants-and-makeup-wearing woman than the fact that I am a Christian, but whatever. Some guys behind me tried to defend me, but he staunchly refused to answer my questions. So I talked to a few more people, then started to leave. But as I was leaving, the thought occurred to me that no one was out there talking about the actual Truth, so I went back, stood at the back of the crowd and yelled, "If anyone wants to hear the real Gospel or what Christ is really like, I'll be under the awning of the KUC and I'd love to talk with you." That got the preacher pretty steamed, and he called me arrogant and said that it wasn't my place. A few people came and talked to me, and it was pretty awesome that I got so many opportunities to talk to people about Jesus.

Anyway, I suppose that this week has served to teach me several things. First, Satan is out there doing his best to confuse, hurt, and destroy people. But while he is very good at what he does, he is completely impotent and weak in light of my God, and has already been defeated. Second, people are hurting and searching. Many of them don't even realize what they're searching for, and that's why it's important to speak up about what you believe. Third, Christ allows someone as ill-equipped, sinful, and spiritually immature as me tell people about Him. The opportunity to tell others about Him should be seen as a privilege and joy, not an obligation, and I've failed horribly at seeing that way. But hopefully, the longer I walk with Him, the more He will transform my mind. I am so thankful for such a merciful, loving, holy, and personal Savior.

Stained Hands and Wet Shoes...

Hahaha. So today was pretty great, and the day's not even over yet! But I'll start with last night. Last night, a bunch of friends and I went to see Zombieland at the KUC theatre...and IT WAS FREE!!! Ballin'! I thought that I would hate the movie, but as it turns out, it was AWESOME (and I now want to have Woody Harrelson's babies...lol). Then we all went on a drive to find a certain house which will remain anonymous...and we found it and almost got caught. It was pretty hilarious. Then we made a rather entertaining (and somewhat awkward) pit stop at Steak 'n' Shake, which was delisherous.

Today, I went to class as usual because the snow didn't begin 'til about noon. I got out of class two hours early since we were just checking in for lab, so I decided to go downstairs to find Dr. Wright and practice my Gram staining technique. The look on Dr. Wright's face when I told him was adorable! Lol. I don't think he really expected that anyone would want to practice in their free time. As a side tangent, I think that Microbiology makes me feel the way that Sam feels about chemistry. I absolutely love it, and find it fascinating. Like, seriously, I look forward to waking up at 7 AM to go to Micro on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My calling? Maybe...I think I'll stick to pre-medicine for now, though. :) ANYWAY....So the first time I did a Gram stain, I completely botched it because I left the ethanol on it too long. But I did three different stains this time (one with Staphylococcus epidermidis, one with E. coli, and one with both, for those who were curious...), and they all turned out perfect! Yay!! Then Dr. Wright also let me do a capsule stain, which didn't turn out so great the first time, but was pretty awesome the second time around. Yay for good lab technique! :)

So, I didn't realize how bad the snow had gotten outside until 2:00 PM when I left the lab. Campus had closed down at 1:00, unbeknownst to Sam and I, so the buses had stopped running. I had to walk all the way from one end of campus to the other to get to my car (in near-complete silence, with my ex-boyfriend). Awkward, but not too terribly so. At least the campus was gorgeous and empty, with the exception of the 30 or so guys having a Braveheart-style snowball fight behind the DSB.... :D

I left school and went to Slick Pig to get some cheap, comfort-food-y lunch (which I only paid $2.00 for...bangin'), and on the way home, my car ran out of gas. Luckily, it did so right beside the Shell station and I was able to pull in right at the last second and get some gas. Thanks be to God (and I'm not being flip or sarcastic...) for good timing. So here I sit, at home with the whole family, with physics and organic to study for, warm socks, a robe, and the possibility of a snowball fight, snowcream, and snowman building later. What more could a girl ask for? :)

Stained Hands and a Happy Heart...

So the past few days have been hard. I'm not going to lie. I've been dealing with some scary thoughts and what seems to be a lot like depression. Could be PMS, could be general sadness. Whatever it is/was, it is/was scary. But I'm finding that God uses these awful times in my life to help me understand the fact that I am completely dependent on Him. I always seem to think that I can make it just fine by myself, and then I come crashing back down and run to Him. But I wouldn't trade these times for anything, because of the way they affect my relationship with Christ.

I'm starting to feel better about being single again. It still sucks to see him around, and I feel like I've lost a friend. I hate it, but I guess that that's just how it's going to have to be for now.

I'm seriously enjoying Microbiology this semester. Like, it's actually FUN to me. I think that's just further proof that I'm right where I'm supposed to be major-wise. I love Dr. Wright, and for whatever reason I'm able to concentrate very well in there. Even Organic doesn't seem as bad this semester (but give me a couple weeks and I'll probably have a different opinion...). I'm pretty sure that I'm going to drop my religious studies class today. I'm really tired of hearing Dr. Shapiro bash the Bible/Jesus/God/organized religion in general. I don't appreciate the fact that he presented the class as a "strictly secular, academic study of the Bible", and yet he invites disparaging and disrespectful comments about the Bible, Christianity, and Christ. Stuff like that messes with my head sometimes, and I just don't know that I'm strong enough to fight it. However, I want that 3-hour A credit for my GPA's sake. But I've prayed about it, and I feel like I need to drop it. We'll see...

I should probably work on physics now, since I have a quiz in a few hours...Toodles. :)

So Glide Away on Soapy Heels...

Sitting here listening to James Taylor again... there seems to be a pattern in my life. :) Today was alright. Woke up at 2:00 PM after not being able to sleep last night because of the wind and rain. And, once again, I didn't go to church. My lack of church attendance over the past year seems to be a continual source of guilt for me. I don't know. It just is. But hopefully, I'll be able to start going back to AO this semester. I really hope that I can, because I've really missed it. It will be awkward for a while, but I think that it will be worth it.

I lounged around for a while after I woke up and watched TV. But I started thinking about the breakup again, so I decided that I should find something productive and distracting to do with my time. I decided to go to the gym, and I'm glad that I did. I think I'm finally going to be able to get back into the swing of things this semester. I've just had a hard time adjusting so far. It's like I've lost all motivation for some reason. I think that part of it is my sudden lack of a relationship, as well as the fact that I just don't get excited about spring classes like I do when fall classes roll around. Normally, I would be running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do all of my homework and get ridiculously ahead in everything. But for whatever reason, I just don't care as much. But, going to the gym always cheers me up and helps me to focus.

After the gym, I had dinner with my little brother at Panera, which is always good. He's great, and I wish that we could spend more time together. But I just get so busy during the semesters and he's pretty busy, too (which is funny considering that he's 9 years old). After that, I came home to do some organic homework, and ended up simultaneously watching The Notebook. Not a good idea a week after a breakup. I used to watch that movie and sigh at the romanticism and anticipate the day when I would find a love of my own. But for now, it just kind of makes me angry and sad. I find it so hard to believe that things are going to get any better or that I'll ever find love. Sometimes I get tired of having faith.

But I have to keep believing that things will get better. I have to hold on despite what I feel. My heart is deceptive, and I know that. I'm just easily swayed sometimes.

Oh Brother.

So. Instead of working on physics, I decided to start a blog. How's that for being productive? I was inspired by a friend, Rachael, who began a new blog at the start of the year. Thought it sounded therapeutic. I can guarantee you that my life is not the most entertaining, the most exciting, or the coolest, but I sure do love it. Crappy circumstances, good circumstances and all. I figure that it will be nice to have some where to vent my academic anguish, relate funny and sad stories, and generally blow off steam. So here goes...

I'm currently working on my online Medical Vocabulary class, and I have to say, this stuff is pretty ballin'. It combines two of my favorite things: medical knowledge and spelling! Lol. I'm a nerd. I know. I'm also simultaneously listening to James Taylor, whom I love dearly. I would totally have his old, bald babies. :) I really want to go see his concert in Nashville in May. However, I don't think I'm going to be able to, because I just broke up with the one person I wanted to go with. I wouldn't want to give him any misleading ideas, and I already have enough emotion tied to JT's music without adding those crazy feelings to it. Carole King is in concert with him, though, and I know that it's going to be an amazing concert. Boo hiss. Relationships (or the lack thereof) ruin everything.

And speaking of relationships...

As I mentioned above, I just broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of this week. My first ever real boyfriend, to be exact. The relationship lasted two months, and honestly, that's just sad. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. I just want to be over it. I never seem to want to give myself a lot of time to deal with things. I'd rather just be done with them as soon as they happen. Maybe it's just easier that way. I don't know. Actually, that statement is the crux of what was wrong with the relationship. He didn't know how he felt about me, he didn't know what or who he was attracted to, and I didn't know if I did or ever would love him. We didn't know. My reasons for breaking up with him were entirely legitimate, and I wish I could just tell everyone exactly what they were. But for his sake, I won't. I really thought that he was going to be the big deal in my life, but I guess that I was wrong.

This relationship could serve to reinforce every bit of my cynicism that I've been able to conjure up over my twenty years. But I don't think that I'm going to let it do that. I still believe that if it's the Lord's will for my life, then I'll find love. It's just the whole "being patient" thing that gets hard. After all, I'm only 20 years old, and I've got a lot to look forward to. So I suppose that I'll just have to keep my head up, my eyes open, and my heart from hardening. We'll see how that goes. :)