We cannot keep You in a box...

So as I sit here, I find myself in a strange place spiritually. Last night, I had a very tense, very sleep-deprived, very thought-provoking conversation with two of my housemates about Calvinism.

Let me preface the rest of my post by saying that for years, I was a staunch anti-Calvinist. For me, all that its ideology represented for me was a mean, vindictive God who stood as a Divine Puppet-Master rather than a loving Father. It has only been in the recent past that I have begun to actually research and believe the ideas set forth by John Calvin.

Let me also preface the following statements with this statement: John Calvin was a man, a human being, who was both fallible and sinful. Therefore, his ideas about God are not infallible. While I do think that a lot of what he said makes a lot of sense, God's Word (the Bible) is the ultimate authority that I look to for guidance and truth. His Word IS infallible and holds the words of life.

So, I spoke to the two men, both of whom are quite anti-Calvinist, which is fine with me. I don't think that a person's beliefs about this sort of thing affect their salvation at all. The debate became rather heated at some points, and I think both sides became frustrated with the other at times. However, I left the conversation with lots to think about, and with more respect for each guy's views than I had before. We ended up staying awake 'til around 3 AM talking about all this, so I'm quite tired as I write this. But it was totally worth it.

The conversation revolved around the notion that Calvinism presents God as a manipulative "puppet-master" who forces people to love and worship Him, while forcing other people to sin and journey toward Hell. This is how I, too, used to see it. I could not bring myself to believe that God chose to send people to Hell. I'm still not entirely sure what I believe about human free will (or lack thereof) and how it's juxtaposed against God's sovereignty. But here's what I do believe, based on reading God's Word:

1.) Man is sinful. Woefully so. There is nothing good in us, and we cannot make ourselves good.

(Mark 7:21, Ecclesiastes 9:3)

2.) Man does not seek God, because He is evil and there is nothing in him that would cause him to naturally want anything Godly. (Romans 3:9-18)

3.) God is sovereign, perfect, and holy. I do not think that He changes His mind, and I do not think that any human being (or anything else He's created) can resist His will. (Romans 9:14-29)

4.) Because man is sinful, cannot/will not seek God, and God is sovereign and loving, He draws people to Himself. He chooses them, and works salvation in their lives. He does not choose them because of anything He sees in them. I do not believe He chooses people arbitrarily, either. (Philippians 2:12-13)

I am hardly a theologian, and this is not a complete (or even a very good) summation of what I believe on this subject.

As I write this, it occurs to me that the whole discussion is a little silly. It is good to learn about doctrine, and it is good to talk these things out. However, this is an issue that has destroyed friendships, split churches, and scarred some people's view of God. When misinterpreted (intentionally or unintentionally), it can be used as a weapon by Satan to divide people and render the Church crippled and ineffective. (2 Timothy 2:14-16)

Regardless of whether God "elects" people or not, He is good. He is perfect, He is beautiful, and I love Him. He is flawless, and I know that He loves everyone of us, regardless of whether we reciprocate. (2 Timothy 2:13)

I do love having these discussions, even if they raise my blood pressure a little, because I come away from the with an insatiable hunger for God Word, and a desperate need to know His truth, regardless of whether it is the truth I want to hear.

Having said all that, I think it's a little funny that this topic so feared, widely researched, and constantly battled over. When it comes down to it, it's really a moot point. If Calvin's right, awesome. If Arminius is right, awesome. Either way, the point of the Gospel is this:

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners---of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason, I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen." (1 Timothy 1:15-17)

Grace and peace,

Cari

You still have me, You still have my heart...

"When it feels like my dreams are so far,

Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again.

...I give You my apathy, I'm giving You all of me;

I want Your symphony singing in all that I am.

At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back."

Lyrics from a totally cheesy song can speak to you sometimes (see above). Sometimes, God allows you to see how far you've come. Other times, He allows you to fall on Your face so that You can remember just how much you need Him. Tonight has been one of those nights. I am sitting here at the moment, frustrated as hell, a little worried, and altogether melancholy (I hate that word, but I can't find another at the moment...).

It turns out that this whole communal living thing isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I still love everyone in this house. But my patience is wearing quite thin. I have to have somewhere to be honest about it, and I figure that it's a good thing for me to be honest within this forum.

Tonight, I nearly lost my cool completely, due to a lot of different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the natural tension that arises when people live together, but seriously, I feel like I just need to punch something repeatedly.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why some people seem to believe that it's ok to maintain crappy attitudes, passive aggressive ways of coping, etc. I have a few pet peeves in this life, and one of them is people who have a problem with me, but rather than confronting me, talk about it to someone else.

Ok. Now that I've exposed the impatient, mean side of myself, let's talk about some things that I'm learning.

It seems as though the Lord is trying to speak to me about prayer lately. The past week of my devotional has been about prayer, Joey gave us a booklet on prayer to read last night, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It's not something that I've given a lot of attention to in my life, because for the longest, I was convinced that if everything is predestined, then God is not going to change His mind, and therefore, I don't really need to pray about anything. Quite silly, when I consider how much emphasis is placed on prayer in the Word...So, I am excited to see what the Lord is going to teach me about it in the near future.

In other news, I really miss church (Belle Aire and Arabic). It's pretty hard when you're constantly leading, rather than attending. It's hard to feed myself rather than being fed. To be honest, I like it better the other way around. But, I know that God will use this to shape me...it just stinks while I'm in the midst of the shaping process.

A few financial worries are also causing me a bunch of stress, which stinks. I hate for money to stress me out, but it does. I trust that God will provide. But sheesh..it's hard to wait.

I find out my MCAT score a week from tomorrow, and that's a bit of nailbiter...literally. I just want to get this whole application/score-finding-out process over with.

I also find myself very much distracted by certain people. I want very much to not be so distracted, but it's not seeming to happen. Sometimes the distractions are good, sometimes they are a hindrance. I don't know why they're there, and if they'll stop being distractions, but I do know that God doesn't just throw people into your life for no reason. So, I'll just take it as it comes and give it right back to Him.

SO, in conclusion, God is good, all the time. Thankfully, He isn't letting me off easy. :) I am very thankful that He has given me rest, the Allman Brothers, hummus, long barefoot walks in the rain, and laughter to get me through all of this.

From "Streams in the Desert"...

"GOD MEANT IT UNTO GOOD" (Gen. 50:20).

"God meant it unto good"--O blest assurance,
Falling like sunshine all across life's way,
Touching with Heaven's gold earth's darkest storm clouds,
Bringing fresh peace and comfort day by day.

'Twas not by chance the hands of faithless brethren
Sold Joseph captive to a foreign land;
Nor was it chance which, after years of suffering,
Brought him before the monarch's throne to stand.

One Eye all-seeing saw the need of thousands,
And planned to meet it through that one lone soul;
And through the weary days of prison bondage
Was working towards the great and glorious goal.

As yet the end was hidden from the captive,
The iron entered even to his soul;
His eye could scan the present path of sorrow,
Not yet his gaze might rest upon the whole.

Faith failed not through those long, dark days of waiting,
His trust in God was recompensed at last,
The moment came when God led forth his servant
To succour many, all his sufferings past.

"It was not you but God, that sent me hither,"
Witnessed triumphant faith in after days;
"God meant it unto good," no "second causes"
Mingled their discord with his song of praise.

"God means it unto good" for thee, beloved,
The God of Joseph is the same today;
His love permits afflictions strange and bitter,
His hand is guiding through the unknown way.

Thy Lord, who sees the end from the beginning,
Hath purposes for thee of love untold.
Then place thy hand in His and follow fearless,
Till thou the riches of His grace behold.

There, when thou standest in the Home of Glory,
And all life's path ties open to thy gaze,
Thine eyes shall see the hand which now thou trustest,
And magnify His love through endless days.
--Freda Hanbury Allen

Maybe I'm Strong as Stone...

So as I sit here, listening to Alison Krauss + Union Station and filling out my application to medical school, I am being overtaken by a huge wave of thoughts and emotions. Moments like these tend to make me very introspective and retrospective.

I was just reflecting on the many events, people, and things that have brought me to this point in my life. When I think back to the person I was 2 years ago, I am amazed at how far Christ has brought me. This is not to say that I have reached some sort of pinnacle of morality...I'm still a jerk sometimes. I'm still human, of course.

The farther I get in school, the more that I get the feeling that God has something very specific and very exciting planned for me. For a long time, I had my own ideas about what form that plan would take. At this point, I've never in my life been more uncertain as to what direction life will take for me. It used to be that this sort of uncertainty terrified me, and I would do everything in my power to grasp some sort of control, make a plan, etc. Now I find that, for whatever reason, the Lord is allowing me to simply trust Him. The more I come to know Him, the more I realize that this life isn't about taking the easy road, being comfortable, or choosing the path of least resistance. To paraphrase Robert Frost, I would like to be able to say that I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

I do know that He has called me to the world of medicine, though what form that will take, I don't yet know. I am beginning to believe that He has called me to minister to medically underserved populations, whether that is in Saudi Arabia, Nicaragua, or Memphis, TN. All I know for certain is that whatever it is that He calls me to, He will equip me to handle it, and not only handle it, but to thrive. Whatever happens, I simply want people to be confronted with Him when they meet me.

As I adjust to my life here in the Smokies, I am finding that living amongst so many people is both a challenge and a joy. I have a feeling that we are yet to face many issues, but I am confident that no conflict, problem, or issue is insurmountable. My prayer this week is that God would help me to be an observer, rather than a meddler. I have a deep-seated desire to fix things, to be a peacemaker, and to freely dispense my advice. The problem with that lies in the fact that I don't necessarily think like everyone else, and not everyone in the world wants my advice. :) These are facts that it has taken me 21 years to truly understand, but I think I'm getting there.

Pray that He would quiet my spirit, and my mouth. Pray that I would keep a tight rein on my tongue, and that I would use my words to edify, rather than to sarcastically pick at people for the sake of a laugh. Pray that the Lord would give me patience with people, circumstances, and myself. Pray that I would have an undistracted, undivided heart, and that He would give me clarity and discernment as I seek to know exactly what or whom to give my heart to.

Please pray for our team here in the Smokies, that we would be unified, patient with one another, loving, and considerate of the fact that we are all adjusting to this lifestyle. Pray that we would strive for excellence in our planning of day camps and worship services, rather than slapping them together at the last minute. Pray that above all, we would know Him as intimately as possible, and that we would be so filled with His love that it simply spills over into others' lives.

Pray especially for me this week, as I work on my medical school application, that the Lord would give me clarity, and inspiration to write my personal statement.

Lastly, I have yet to meet an international student that I can really click with and pour into, so pray that the Lord would bring me to someone who needs to know His love, and that I would have sense enough to recognize them and love them as I should.

I love and miss you all!

Grace and Peace,

Cari

Motorcycles and Lawnmowers.

So. I find it funny that God seems to speak to me at rather random times. I tend to see Him more in the mundane things of life rather than in miraculous circumstances.

Yesterday, as I was riding to town with my teammates to get Matt's guitar fixed, I was feeling rather down about the myriad ways that I've fallen short as of late. I felt like I was drifting farther from God because I was not constantly going, going, going, frantically trying to "work" for Him. I felt lazy and useless. And then it hit me. He loves me anyway. For the first time in a long time, it was as though He was allowing me to understand that His love truly doesn't depend on how "good" I am. It's something that you hear all the time growing up in the church, and yet it didn't seem to really make sense until yesterday. This realization brought about such a wave of relief and hope, as I realized that God is not looking at me with disappointment, and He doesn't withhold His love from me when I fail Him.

I have spent a lot of time trying to do things well and be perfect so that I can feel like a "good Christian", when truly, this sort of behavior is woefully un-Christian. But thanks be to God for His unconditional mercy and love.

It's good to know that God is not as intolerant of me as I have been of other people. This was another realization that I came to this evening. As we sent our houseparents for the week off, I found myself being very hard on them in my mind, judging their every word and balking at their seeming hypocrisy...and then, again, it hit me. I am just as much of a hypocrite. I am way too hard on people, and as a result, I am way too hard on myself. It's good to have standards, but sheesh...no one can live up to standards of perfection.

I have had a lot of time on this trip to sit and be quiet in His presence, and I have enjoyed it so much. It's amazing how well you can hear Him when you stop and listen. Last night, the group hiked at the Rainbow Falls trailhead, came to the creek, and saw the most spectacular display of synchronized fireflies ever. Apparently, this phenomenon only happens once a year, for about 15 days in Gatlinburg, TN and some city in Malaysia...so, pretty exciting stuff. As we sat there in the silence and darkness, I was overwhelmed by how big, how creative, and how loving Christ really is. I wish I could explain it to you, but it's something that you'll just have to see for yourself someday.

Today, we (Matt, Chelsi, and I) led worship again in our two campgrounds, and it was such a joy. Let me tell you, there is just no feeling like singing to Jesus. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Tomorrow begins another fun-filled week, with new houseparents, new challenges, and new adventures. I cannot wait. :)

Church Van Days and Beef Jerky Nights...

If I could describe this place in one word, it would have to be SPLENDIFEROUS. :)

I cannot tell you how much I've already grown after having been here for one week. When I first arrived at Camp Smoky, I was a little apprehensive. I knew absolutely no one, and had no idea what to expect. What I never expected was such a wonderful group of friends, such a solid leader, and such fun. This week alone, I've hiked to Clingman's Dome (highest point in the Smoky Mountains), swam in the river at the Greenbriar swimming hole, walked around/had fun on the Parkway 3 times, talked to multiple amazing people about Jesus, climbed a tower, swung on a swing 30 feet in the air, and learned more about myself and my teammates than I thought possible.

First, let's talk about our fearless leader, Bill Black. When I first met him, I thought, "Hey, this guy reminds me of my grandpa...seems sweet." Then he started talking. :) He is both terrifying and fantastic, (much like a certain Organic Chemistry professor I had a year ago...) and I am super excited by the fact that he is, in a way, forcing us to be accountable, grow up, and do our absolute best, with no excuses.

As far as I know, our responsibilities this summer are leading worship in campgrounds and resorts on Sunday mornings, leading day camps in the campgrounds for children, and ministering to international students that are here to work in the area this summer. Our first Sunday, my friend Matt and I were the only team members that led worship at two of the campgrounds, and it was absolutely awesome. We got to sing, I had to write and lead a prayer, and I'll even get to speak some over the course of the summer. It definitely doesn't hurt that we get to ride with him in his sweet convertible red Mustang to church every Sunday... :) I'm am so excited about the opportunity to speak at the services this summer, because that's not really an opportunity that I would have otherwise.

Day camps seem to be a bad word around here, but I'm sure they'll be alright. It's going to be extremely hot and humid outside, but we'll make it through. :)

Ministering to internationals is what I'm most excited about. The majority of the students that work here come from Russia, eastern Europe (Moldova, Bulgaria, etc.), Mongolia, and Thailand. It's so cool to just sit and talk to these guys, help them with their English, and minister to them by engaging in simple acts of kindness like helping with laundry or taking them to dinner. I'm hoping to become at least conversational in Russian this summer, and I'm going to attempt to learn how to play the guitar! :)

Living in a house with 16 other 18-25 year olds and two adults is definitely a different experience for me, and I'm surprised at how much I love it. Everyone is pretty considerate for the most part, our houseparents cook some ballin' meals (I mean, come on...they're old Baptist people, of course they cook well..), and my little room is cozy. I have a super sweet roommate (Shelby Newman) who is kind enough to wake me up when I sleep in (every day...) and who shares my deep abiding love of Jars of Clay. :D I can't tell you how much it just warms my heart to sit up almost every night til 2 AM and talk with my housemates about everything from Calvinism and theistic evolution to smoking hookah and Chuck Norris jokes.

Today, I got to spend some time with Jillian one on one, and it was pretty great. It's so fabulously comforting to know that I can be myself around these people. We had a day off, so we went to WalMart (ooooo...partay...) so I could get some hummus, stationary, and other fun things, then went shopping (I found a J. Crew dress for $20!!!). We all went to the Parkway to hangout and indulge in copious amounts of lemonade and beef jerky, and I introduced all the poor deprived Texan friends to SunDrop! Next week, we will begin planning our day camps and worship services, and chill out to rest up before our super intense summer really begins.

Now...on to the truly important matters of this trip...

I cannot express in words the ways that I can see the Lord changing my heart. First of all, on a superficial level, waking up and doing quiet times in the mountains, worshiping with strangers, and focusing almost exclusively on my walk with Christ, has been so very good for me. It is so wonderful to have this kind of rest and time to delve into the Word after all the stress of the MCAT.

It is amazing how alive and active God's word truly is. He has been so good to teach, guide, and mold me through His word, the teaching given to us by Bill, Joey, and my teammates, and He has filled my heart with both an insatiable hunger for His word, and with a love for those around me that I've never quite felt before. It's been very interesting to see how so many things that have occurred over the course of my life have been leading up to the things that are going to happen this summer, and how this summer is and will prepare me for medical school and the medical field. As I sit here, I am starting to fill out my med school application, and working on my personal statement. Scary! :)

More than anything, I want to love these people (my teammates, leaders, and those I minister to) in such a way that causes them to be confronted with and hungry for Christ. All that I ask is that He would use me as a conduit for His love and truth. For so long, sharing Jesus was all about arguing with people, thumping my Bible, and feeling self-righteous. God has been so good to show me that that is not ok, and to put people and circumstances in my path that caused me to evaluate my actions.

As far as things I would ask prayer for, I ask that you all would pray for unity amongst our team. We are all vastly different people, and as things get stressful, we are bound to get upset with one another. Pray that we would all "consider others better than ourselves", and strive to maintain peace.

Pray that we would do our work with excellence, with happy hearts, and smiling faces, regardless of how hot it is, how tired we are, etc.

Pray that I would be disciplined in all of my choices, most especially my diet, exercise, and quiet times.

Pray that Christ would work through us in a mighty way, and that we would not be content to sit idly by and let other do the work.

Pray that we would maintain respect for our leaders, that we would be an encouragement to them, and that we would build them and each other up.

Thanks to all of you who are praying! I love you guys and if you want to talk to me, text me and I'll find a way for us to Skype so I can see your lovely faces! :D

Grace and Peace,

Cari