Femin(enemy): Confessions of a Recovering Feminist

For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

Saturdays tend to lend themselves to introspection.

As I sit here and listen to Mark Driscoll preach about women and femininity, I get the feeling that I've been waiting my whole life to hear this sermon. And my first reaction to it?

Fury.

The longer I listened, the more angry I became, throwing out words like a "misogynist" and "fundamentalist". And then...the Holy Spirit (thankfully) took hold.

A couple of nights ago, I had a very intense conversation with a friend, in which the conclusion was reached that one of the largest roots of my issues is my completely messed-up view of femininity. From it, stems problems in my relationships with men and women, issues with my own self-image, lack of confidence, etc. (the list could go on for a long time).

Last night, I listened to a sermon on singleness by John Piper. It was great. Really encouraging. But, I twisted it. In my mind, it became a justification for my own sinful attitudes. You see, I had decided that I was going to be single forever. And not in the "Oh, poor me! I'll never find a man because I'm so ugly/fat/stupid/etc.!" way. No. I thought that I wanted to be single because marriage was for the weak (even though I denied that with my lips). But more than that, I wanted to be single, because I want things my way. The idea of belonging to someone other than myself scared me to death, and the idea of having to give up my time, my dreams, my wants, anything, for a husband and children nauseated me.

Yep, that's right. Me, who thought I knew so much about the Bible. Me, who inhales Elisabeth Elliot books and Spurgeon devotionals. I knew just enough to completely mislead myself, and just little enough to think I knew it all.

But, thanks be to God, for the gift of the Holy Spirit, the Counselor, and for His Word, which pierces so deeply as to divide soul and spirit.

I feel like I had an epiphany. I realized as I got angrier and angrier, that that was exactly the problem. My messed-up view of femininity stems, not from being a victim of bullying as a kid, or from not fitting in with other girls....it stems from my prideful, selfish, sin nature that thinks I can do better than God. I thought that I was a doing the world, and women everywhere, a favor, by being the loud, obnoxious voice of liberated, single, closet-feminist women everywhere.

But...

As it turns out, being a liberated woman has nothing to do with being able to out-earn, out-scream, or out-man men, and has everything to do with freedom in Christ to be exactly what God has called me to be: a woman.

I have fought so long, and so hard against the idea that it is good to be a mother, and a wife, and be at home. I was convinced that I was too smart for this, and that I would be wasting my potential if I did not rail against it.

In reality, my war on marriage was the amalgamation of several really hurtful things in my life. I believed that marriage and relationships were really just ways to subjugate women and keep them from reaching their full potential. I believed this, in part, because I had been hurt by so many different guys, and really believed that since none of them seemed to find me worthy, that I would just throw it back in their face and reject them as well. I also believed this because of my belief that I am not "wife material", since I do not fit my own view of femininity, which revolves around clothes, makeup, and a working knowledge of all things Lauren Conrad-esque. Since I could not be "feminine" in such a way, I decided (somewhere around age 15) that the best course of action was to pursue "masculinity", since that was what I perceived my love of politics + theology, and disdain of emotion to be.

In my sophomore women's studies class, we talked about a concept called "horizontal hostility", which is defined as "the result of people of targeted groups believing, acting on, or enforcing the dominant system of discrimination and oppression." In my case, this refers to my disdain toward women, a group which I am obviously a part of. As it turns out, the men who advocate married women staying at home with their children aren't the misogynists...I was. Because of my skewed view of femininity, I labeled women as bad, and men as good, and thus looked down on women. I wanted to distance myself from them, in order to win the approval of men who hated women.

Messed up? Yes. Uncommon? I think not.

So, this post is a very disorganized group of my thoughts, having just finished listening to the sermon. There will be more to come on what I've learned later. But for now, I leave you with my conclusions:

1.) Being a woman is not all about being desirable to men, whether that's by caking your face with makeup, or having a beer at the pub with them when you'd rather have an appletini.

2.) Women are great, and God made us different from men for a reason.

3.) It is not marriage and children that subjugate women, but Satan Himself, who whispers "Did God actually say..?" and lies to them about their own self-sufficiency in order to draw them away from Christ. (See Genesis 3).

4.) I may be single for life, or I may marry. Whatever the case, I will no longer condemn one or the other as bad, and will not elevate either as the ultimate ideal.

[So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They answered him, “We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?”

Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."]

(John 8:31-36)

Thoughts.

So.

I have found myself in a place in life where all of the things I previously used as mental anesthetics have been taken away. I'm back to eating healthy, so I can't look for comfort in food. I don't drink or smoke, so neither of those things work for me. I have had to say goodbye to a few people in my life that I used to find some solace with. And thus, I have nothing to find rest in but God.

And that is a very good thing.

Though it is not easy to adjust my life in such ways, and though it is not always fun to actually deal with the more unsavory parts of my heart, I am finding that it is good. In the past, I have been prone to seek Jesus only when I am at my wits' end. I only want Him when I have nothing else. But the changes I have made as of late have not been because God yanked everything out from under me. Rather, He showed me the things that were detracting from my relationship with Him, and offered me a choice. It seemed as though I could let these things go now, or later, but that either way I'd have to pay a price for holding on to them. And so I prayed that the Holy Spirit would enable me to let them go, and He did. I am still dealing with my desire to return to those things sometimes, because I'm not used to actually dealing with hurt in a constructive way.

However:

Despite the hurt and sadness and what not, I have seen God do some wonderful things in my life in the past few weeks. All of that was confirmation that the choices I made were good ones, and that He still (inexplicably) loves me despite my failings. One of the hardest and most staggering things that I am learning about right now is grace. I feel like it's something I'll wrestle with for the rest of my life, no matter how old or spiritually mature I get. The idea that I really can "cast my anxieties on Him" (1 Peter 5:7) and that sin does not have power over me because of His grace (Romans 6:14) absolutely blows my mind, and so completely opposes all that I believed about life, earning love, and "being a good Christian".

It is a truly humbling thing to know that I serve El Roi, "the God who sees me" (Genesis 16:13), and that even though He sees me in my entirety, with all of my sin and defiance, He loves me with a love that is barely within the realm of my comprehension. What a Savior.

من قوة إلى قوة...

يَنْمُونَ مِنْ قُوَّةٍ إِلَى قُوَّةٍ، إِذْ يَمْثُلُ كُلُّ وَاحِدٍ أَمَامَ اللهِ فِي صِهْيَوْنَ.

They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

(Psalm 84:7)

Deep thoughts in a hookah bar...

How much time have I wasted waiting around for things to happen?

How much time have I spent longing for something which will never be?

It just dawned on me today that I've spent large portions of my time so far thinking about, analyzing, and worrying over wonderful things that I wish would happen, and terrible things that are very unlikely to happen to me.

Jim Elliot once wrote "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." I realized today, as I pondered his words, that I have failed in this respect. I have lived in a world of "what-ifs" and "maybes". Jim Elliot also wrote "What is, is actual--what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me of things that are not." I cannot spend my days wondering why He hasn't granted me certain things, or why He has given me others. Each and every burden (as well as every single blessing) has been granted me as a part of His plan...there is nothing outside the realm of His control. Indeed, "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28b) He is leading me "from strength to strength", and He does not falter.

Sometimes, however, it's tough. It's tough to trust when I thought that something was so right. It's difficult to realize that my heart can be so deceptive, and that I cannot trust my feelings all the time. And yet, when I really think about it, it's almost silly to believe that I could have trusted myself in the first place. I know that my heart is wicked, and that there is no good in me. So, even the best plan that I could devise is flawed, and serves my own selfish interests. It is downright logical to abandon all worry, knowing that the Almighty God is in control of my every circumstance . His Word says that "...His eyes are on the ways of a man, and he sees all his steps." (Job 34:21), and so I know that I need never worry. But I tell you, the 18 inches from my brain to my heart can seem like miles when it comes to my faith. My brain finds it relatively easy to reason things out and make logical decisions. It's my heart that interferes. The Word says that "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Yet again, I know this, but my feelings contradict. It seems as though the Christian life is one of constant denial of self...of leaving behind the things that "make sense" by worldly standards of logic.

I find in myself more contradiction as well. My scientific mind wants to reason things out, and loves logic, rules, and patterns. Unexpected things and the unknown tend to make me anxious. On the other hand, another side of me would rather just go with the flow, fly by the seat of my pants, and live life in a more haphazard fashion, simply allowing things to happen and waiting for responses. It's pretty interesting trying to reconcile these facets of my mind. Oswald Chambers said that Christ doesn't redeem our fallen qualities...He completely replaces them with His Godly qualities. An interesting point indeed.

But here's some food for thought (and yet another one of the "what-ifs" that I'm so fond of):

....What if these seemingly irreconcilable qualities are yet another way for God to glorify Himself through my life?

On to other thoughts....

As I sit here in the hookah bar (not smoking, of course... :3) and listen to the conversation around me (eavesdropper, much?), I am taken aback at how idle it is. I am not judging them, because I have been and am just as guilty, if not more so, of this sort of conversation. But it causes me to question how God feels about it when Christians talk like this and brings me full circle to my thoughts on wasted time...

Is every conversation supposed to be deeply theological? What does it mean for conversation to be "seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6)? If I will have to give an account for every word I speak (and I'm certain that I will (Matthew 12:36)), then how will God judge my conversations about men, clothing, Facebook...etc.? My time here on Earth is short, and Jesus is my everything, so why do I waste so much time talking about things that, in the grand scheme (or even in the present) matter very little?

Lots to meditate on this evening.

For now, I leave you with one of my favorite passages.

Blessed are those whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the LORD.
Blessed are those who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart—
they do no wrong
but follow his ways.
You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all your commands.
I will praise you with an upright heart
as I learn your righteous laws.
I will obey your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me.

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, LORD;
teach me your decrees.
With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.
I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.
I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

(Psalm 119:1-16)

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open.

"Yet, my God, my Life, my holy Joy, what is this that I have said? What can any man say when he speaks of You? But woe to them that keep silence -- since even those who say most are dumb..."

"Look down, Lord God, and see patiently, as you are accustomed to do, how diligently the sons of men observe the conventional rules of letters and syllables, taught them by those who learned their letters beforehand, while they neglect the eternal rules of everlasting salvation taught by You."

[St. Augustine of Hippo]

Over the course of this Christmas break, I haven't had anything particularly urgent looming over me, so I've had a lot of time to think, read, pray, and reflect. One of the primary conclusions that I have come to is that I struggle very deeply with my desperate need for rules, for a checklist.

Sometimes, lists and rules are great things. They help me stay organized, and provide me with boundaries and clear guidelines for how to accomplish goals. A lot of my early success in school and life in general came about because I learned how to follow the rules. In terms of my faith, I have found that God has truly set boundaries for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6), and there is much to be said for adhering to doctrine and the commands of the Lord.

However...

Even good things can become bad if misused. As of late, I have seen my love of rules and boundaries morph into soul-killing legalism. I became Pharisaic in my building of walls around my own law (loosely based on God's law...). I was (am) so scared of falling that I built (am building) a wall that keeps me isolated not only from sin, but from God and those around me. I walk around with guilt over my inability to live up to my own standards, and lash out at others when they also fail to meet them. I tell myself that Christ could not truly love me, and so I beg Him to simply not hate me. I cannot give grace because I cannot accept grace; even though I see and know my sin, my flesh still maintains the lie that I am good, and have no need of change.

I have been a believer for years, and yet I still feel that I do not know Christ as I should....sometimes, He seems almost foreign to me, like a stranger. Concepts like grace and mercy are unbelievably hard for me to understand and accept...it seems that no matter how much I try, I keep falling into a pattern of trying to earn grace, of trying to be good enough. But there also never seems to be much middle ground. I'm either striving to be perfect, or I completely give up, lose control, and indulge in whatever I want. I echo Paul's cry to God in Romans 7: "So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" I am so weary of this pattern. Sometimes, I feel so confused that I hardly want to do anything other than stop thinking.

It is very easy to go to church, be involved in all sorts of church-based activities, and even study the deeper theological concepts, and completely miss out on what it means to really abide in Christ. I know, because I'm very good at this sort of thing, unfortunately. See, my flesh consistently tells me that my need to be honest, acknowledge my sin, accept grace, and move on is not nearly as urgent as my need to keep up appearances, stay invulnerable, and pretend that I'm perfect just the way I am. Many times, I feel like my walk consists more of hurrying to check certain religious duties off of some cosmic checklist, feeling guilty when I don't, and subsequently distancing myself from Jesus.

However:

The Word says that Christ is "making all things new" (Revelation 21:5). The word "making" implies that He is consistently doing this, and this one word encourages me greatly. It is such a relief to know that I am a work in progress, and that the one who is doing the "making" is Christ, the eternal, holy, perfect, loving God of the universe. This is a truth that I will have to remind myself of each day, and throughout the day, because I will inevitably forget. I am also encouraged by the fact that the passage I mentioned earlier in Romans 7 doesn't end where I left off...Paul goes on to say "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." (Romans 7:25-8:4, emphases are mine). Talk about encouragement. God, in His absolutely amazing foreknowledge, knew that I would not be able to do it, to live up to the standard of perfect holiness. And instead of simply leaving me to my own devices, abandoning me to wallow in my own filthy version of righteousness, He tore the curtain in two and offered His Son, Himself, as the perfect, final sacrifice as atonement for offenses that I have committed against Him.

He knew. He knew exactly how many times I would betray Him. He knew how many times I would turn my back, keep silent, or run away. He knew that I would turn my face away and try to be good on my own, knowing how wrong that was. He knew. And yet....He willingly walked to the whipping post and to the cross. He could have come down off the cross at any moment and put an end to His agony. But He didn't. He saw into eternity to come, knew my face, knew my name, and stayed on the cross, not because He saw anything good in me, but because of His unending, inexpressible love and mercy.

So. This year, I am resolved to live differently in light of these truths. I am not going to set forth New Years' Resolutions like I normally do. I will not make a new list of rules for myself. Instead, I will only fall at His feet on a daily basis, and learn to be more like Him, to live my life solely for the purpose of bringing Him glory and making His name known. A love like that leaves me no room for regret, wasted time, or legalism. I pray that in the coming year, He will use me up, and that when all is said and done, the only thing people will see in me is Him.

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(Romans 8:25-39)

Crazy Talk.

It is easy to be patient in waiting for something when you know that you're guaranteed the thing you want.

It is a wholly different story when you have no such guarantee.

For the longest, I had no qualms with waiting on God, because I knew that whatever He was making me wait on was worth the wait, and that I was guaranteed a "good" outcome, because whatever the outcome was, I knew that it was His will, and so it couldn't be bad.

But now, I am faced with a bit of a conundrum. I want something that I have no guarantee of. And it's almost as though I want it regardless of whether or not it will be a good or bad thing for me. It's very difficult for me to simply "let it go", though I know God's faithfulness, and have seen it in overwhelming measure in my life. Even as I sit here, I feel stupid for feeling this way, because my intellect knows that there's nothing He would ever do that wouldn't work out for the best ("the best" referring to my sanctification, not necessarily my temporal happiness). But that's just it: my feelings seem beyond my control, and I suppose they are. I know that my heart is deceptive. But I KNOW that I want this. Yes, it's a person. A fallible person, who could never really fix anything in my life, or fill any void that Christ can't...I can't find a logical reason why I feel this way. I just do. And that bothers me. I would much prefer to just move along and get over it...but that just hasn't happened.

I am simply haunted by past experience. More than anything, I am afraid of this scenario playing out like all the others and ending in my heartbreak.

And yet....

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD! (Psalm 27:13-14)

...and therefore, I have nothing to actually fear. Whether or not any of this "works out" for me, it will all be worked for my good by the One who sees me. What a comfort. It just feels good to get it off my chest.

Run with Patience (Streams in the Desert)

"Let us run with patience" (Heb. 12:1). To run with patience is a very difficult thing. Running is apt to suggest the absence of patience, the eagerness to reach the goal. We commonly associate patience with lying down. We think of it as the angel that guards the couch of the invalid. Yet, I do not think the invalid's patience the hardest to achieve. There is a patience which I believe to be harder--the patience that can run. To lie down in the time of grief, to be quiet under the stroke of adverse fortune, implies a great strength; but I know of something that implies a strength greater still: It is the power to work under a stroke; to have a great weight at your heart and still to run; to have a deep anguish in your spirit and still perform the daily task. It is a Christlike thing! Many of us would nurse our grief without crying if we were allowed to nurse it. The hard thing is that most of us are called to exercise our patience, not in bed, but in the street. We are called to bury our sorrows, not in lethargic quiescence, but in active service--in the exchange, in the workshop, in the hour of social intercourse, in the contribution to another's joy. There is no burial of sorrow so difficult as that; it is the "running with patience." This was Thy patience, O Son of man! It was at once a waiting and a running--a waiting for the goal, and a doing of the lesser work meantime. I see Thee at Cana turning the water into wine lest the marriage feast should be clouded. I see Thee in the desert feeding a multitude with bread just to relieve a temporary want. All, all the time, Thou wert bearing a mighty grief, unshared, unspoken. Men ask for a rainbow in the cloud; but I would ask more from Thee. I would be, in my cloud, myself a rainbow--a minister to others' joy. My patience will be perfect when it can work in the vineyard. --George Matheson "When all our hopes are gone, 'Tis well our hands must keep toiling on For others' sake: For strength to bear is found in duty done; And he is best indeed who learns to make The joy of others cure his own heartache."

Patient anticipation.

So. It's been a long time since my last post. I've been quite busy lately. I'm nearly finished with my Honors thesis, a 45-page behemoth of a paper that I wrote about my research. I will defend it in front of a committee of professors on November 10th (2 weeks from today!). That has consumed a great deal of my time, and I will be glad when it's finished so I can focus on my other classes.

I received my long-awaited secondary application from Quillen College of Medicine (ETSU) on Tuesday, and I'm so excited! I really hope that Quillen is part of God's will for my life, because I absolutely love it there. I would love nothing more than to go to the school, and practice medicine in the mountains. But at this point, I could go anywhere...I received secondary applications from UT Memphis, Virginia Commonwealth, University of Louisville, and Meharry. So, I have been blessed in a major way, and am super excited to see what lies ahead.

So...onto something that has occupied the greater portion of my thoughts, unfortunately.

Lately, I have really struggled and wrestled with my feelings for someone. My issues lie not so much in the feelings, but in the waiting. Waiting to know if he feels the same. Waiting to say something...waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience is not a strength of mine, and this has been so distracting for me. I've tried staying away from him, but I just can't seem to. Even when I try to stay away, there he is. I have prayed for God to take my feelings away. And He hasn't.

At first, I believed that this was because something was supposed to happen...that all this was pointing to a relationship. At this point, I'm not sure that that's the case. But one thing I do know...

This has taught me so much about the nature of God. When I cry, He comforts me. When I ask him for clarity and freedom from distraction, He grants it. Nothing causes me to dig into the Word like heartache. The Word says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18), and I believe it. I hate that it takes heartbreak to bring me back sometimes, and I pray that this experience will teach me to stay near Him at all times.

I cannot get over how good He is, and and how faithful He's been to me. I am so quick to run to my idols, to turn my gaze aside to something else...and every time, the result is the same. I run back to him, ashamed of my own unfaithfulness, my weakness. But..."...He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Ps 103:14). I am so thankful for a God who not only saves me from my sin, but teaches me to abhor it. I am thankful for a God who does not allow me to take the easy way out...who leaves thorns in flesh, that I may be truly healed. Times like these hurt, and they make me want to quit at times...but I know that "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." (Romans 8:28-29).

So, I wait. I wait with patient anticipation of the good that He will work in my life, knowing that it's all working together to make me holy, but most importantly, to bring Him glory. He is the only one worthy of my praise and yours, and I praise Him for all things given to me, both joyful and painful.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." (Romans 8:24-25)