Crazy Talk.

It is easy to be patient in waiting for something when you know that you're guaranteed the thing you want.

It is a wholly different story when you have no such guarantee.

For the longest, I had no qualms with waiting on God, because I knew that whatever He was making me wait on was worth the wait, and that I was guaranteed a "good" outcome, because whatever the outcome was, I knew that it was His will, and so it couldn't be bad.

But now, I am faced with a bit of a conundrum. I want something that I have no guarantee of. And it's almost as though I want it regardless of whether or not it will be a good or bad thing for me. It's very difficult for me to simply "let it go", though I know God's faithfulness, and have seen it in overwhelming measure in my life. Even as I sit here, I feel stupid for feeling this way, because my intellect knows that there's nothing He would ever do that wouldn't work out for the best ("the best" referring to my sanctification, not necessarily my temporal happiness). But that's just it: my feelings seem beyond my control, and I suppose they are. I know that my heart is deceptive. But I KNOW that I want this. Yes, it's a person. A fallible person, who could never really fix anything in my life, or fill any void that Christ can't...I can't find a logical reason why I feel this way. I just do. And that bothers me. I would much prefer to just move along and get over it...but that just hasn't happened.

I am simply haunted by past experience. More than anything, I am afraid of this scenario playing out like all the others and ending in my heartbreak.

And yet....

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD! (Psalm 27:13-14)

...and therefore, I have nothing to actually fear. Whether or not any of this "works out" for me, it will all be worked for my good by the One who sees me. What a comfort. It just feels good to get it off my chest.

Run with Patience (Streams in the Desert)

"Let us run with patience" (Heb. 12:1). To run with patience is a very difficult thing. Running is apt to suggest the absence of patience, the eagerness to reach the goal. We commonly associate patience with lying down. We think of it as the angel that guards the couch of the invalid. Yet, I do not think the invalid's patience the hardest to achieve. There is a patience which I believe to be harder--the patience that can run. To lie down in the time of grief, to be quiet under the stroke of adverse fortune, implies a great strength; but I know of something that implies a strength greater still: It is the power to work under a stroke; to have a great weight at your heart and still to run; to have a deep anguish in your spirit and still perform the daily task. It is a Christlike thing! Many of us would nurse our grief without crying if we were allowed to nurse it. The hard thing is that most of us are called to exercise our patience, not in bed, but in the street. We are called to bury our sorrows, not in lethargic quiescence, but in active service--in the exchange, in the workshop, in the hour of social intercourse, in the contribution to another's joy. There is no burial of sorrow so difficult as that; it is the "running with patience." This was Thy patience, O Son of man! It was at once a waiting and a running--a waiting for the goal, and a doing of the lesser work meantime. I see Thee at Cana turning the water into wine lest the marriage feast should be clouded. I see Thee in the desert feeding a multitude with bread just to relieve a temporary want. All, all the time, Thou wert bearing a mighty grief, unshared, unspoken. Men ask for a rainbow in the cloud; but I would ask more from Thee. I would be, in my cloud, myself a rainbow--a minister to others' joy. My patience will be perfect when it can work in the vineyard. --George Matheson "When all our hopes are gone, 'Tis well our hands must keep toiling on For others' sake: For strength to bear is found in duty done; And he is best indeed who learns to make The joy of others cure his own heartache."

Patient anticipation.

So. It's been a long time since my last post. I've been quite busy lately. I'm nearly finished with my Honors thesis, a 45-page behemoth of a paper that I wrote about my research. I will defend it in front of a committee of professors on November 10th (2 weeks from today!). That has consumed a great deal of my time, and I will be glad when it's finished so I can focus on my other classes.

I received my long-awaited secondary application from Quillen College of Medicine (ETSU) on Tuesday, and I'm so excited! I really hope that Quillen is part of God's will for my life, because I absolutely love it there. I would love nothing more than to go to the school, and practice medicine in the mountains. But at this point, I could go anywhere...I received secondary applications from UT Memphis, Virginia Commonwealth, University of Louisville, and Meharry. So, I have been blessed in a major way, and am super excited to see what lies ahead.

So...onto something that has occupied the greater portion of my thoughts, unfortunately.

Lately, I have really struggled and wrestled with my feelings for someone. My issues lie not so much in the feelings, but in the waiting. Waiting to know if he feels the same. Waiting to say something...waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience is not a strength of mine, and this has been so distracting for me. I've tried staying away from him, but I just can't seem to. Even when I try to stay away, there he is. I have prayed for God to take my feelings away. And He hasn't.

At first, I believed that this was because something was supposed to happen...that all this was pointing to a relationship. At this point, I'm not sure that that's the case. But one thing I do know...

This has taught me so much about the nature of God. When I cry, He comforts me. When I ask him for clarity and freedom from distraction, He grants it. Nothing causes me to dig into the Word like heartache. The Word says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18), and I believe it. I hate that it takes heartbreak to bring me back sometimes, and I pray that this experience will teach me to stay near Him at all times.

I cannot get over how good He is, and and how faithful He's been to me. I am so quick to run to my idols, to turn my gaze aside to something else...and every time, the result is the same. I run back to him, ashamed of my own unfaithfulness, my weakness. But..."...He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Ps 103:14). I am so thankful for a God who not only saves me from my sin, but teaches me to abhor it. I am thankful for a God who does not allow me to take the easy way out...who leaves thorns in flesh, that I may be truly healed. Times like these hurt, and they make me want to quit at times...but I know that "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." (Romans 8:28-29).

So, I wait. I wait with patient anticipation of the good that He will work in my life, knowing that it's all working together to make me holy, but most importantly, to bring Him glory. He is the only one worthy of my praise and yours, and I praise Him for all things given to me, both joyful and painful.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." (Romans 8:24-25)

"Maybe This Year?" by Elisabeth Elliot

"I hardly know where to start," a letter begins. "My story is not one involving men. That's the problem. Male companionship seems not to be found, and, I fear, may never be found. They never ask me out twice. I'm always 'dumped.' The problem is I want a relationship. I have this overwhelming desire...."

Someone else said to me, "I fell deeply in love. He fell deeply in love, too--with someone else."

Another letter tells of the agonized yearning of one couple for a child. Since God has not removed the desire, they ask, may we not conclude that He wants us to employ whatever means we can (e.g., in vitro fertilization) in order to have a child?

God's not having taken away a perfectly normal human desire does not by any means indicate that we are free to pursue its fulfillment in any way we choose. A woman who had, after years of struggles, quickly lost sixty pounds told me that she had been expecting God to take away her appetite. When she realized He did not intend to do so (she had been asking for the removal of our God-given protection from starvation!), she stopped gratifying that appetite in the wrong ways.

Will the young woman find a mate? Will the couple have a child? Maybe this year will be the year of desire fulfilled. Perhaps, on the other hand, it will be the year of desire radically transformed, the year of finding, as we have perhaps not yet truly found, Christ to be the All-Sufficient One, Christ the "deep, sweet well of Love."

"Why won't God let someone into my life? I feel left out, abandoned. When will it be my turn?" The petulant letter goes on. "I feel deprived! Will He deny me the one small desire of my heart? Is it too big a treasure to ask? I sit in torture and dismay."

Life is likely to continue to hold many forms of torture and dismay for that unhappy person and for all who refuse to receive with thanksgiving instead of complaint the place in life God has chosen for them. The torture is self-inflicted, for God has not rejected their prayers. He knows better than any of us do what furthers our salvation. Our true happiness is to be realized precisely through his refusals, which are always mercies. His choice is flawlessly contrived to give the deepest kind of joy as soon as it is embraced.

Joseph Eliot, in the seventeenth century, said, "I need everything God gives me, and want [or feel the lack of] nothing He denies me."

In Moses' review of God's leading of the children of Israel he said,

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart.... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then fed you with manna which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.... Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.... For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land--a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing."

Deuteronomy 8:2-3, 5, 7-9, NIV

The cause of our discontent: We simply do not believe God. The wilderness experience leads to the Promised Land. It is the path God chose for us. His Word is established forever, and He tells us in a thousand ways that His will is our peace, His choices for us will lead to fulfillment and joy, the way of transgressors is hard. Do we suppose that we could find a better way than His?

One of George Eliot's characters says:

"You are seeking your own will, my daughter. You are seeking some good other than the law you are bound to obey. But how will you find good? It is not a thing of choice; it is a river that flows from the foot of the Invisible Throne, and flows by the path of obedience. I say again, man cannot choose his duties. You may choose to forsake your duties, and choose not to have the sorrow they bring. But you will go forth, and what will you find, my daughter? Sorrow without duty--bitter herbs, and no bread with them."

Instead of seeing His everlasting love, tenderly bending down to our humanness, longing over each one of us with a father's speechless longing; we sometimes think of Him as indifferent, inaccessible, or just plain unfair.

The worst pains we experience are not those of the suffering itself but of our stubborn resistance to it, our resolute insistence on our independence. To be "crucified with Christ" means what Oswald Chambers calls "breaking the husk" of that independence. "Has that break come?" he asks. "All the rest is pious fraud." And you and I know, in our heart of hearts, that that sword-thrust (so typical of Chambers!) is the straight truth.

If we reject this cross, we will not find it in this world again. Here is the opportunity offered. Be patient. Wait on the Lord for whatever He appoints, wait quietly, wait trustingly. He holds every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in His hands. Thank Him in advance for what the future holds, for He is already there. "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup" (Psalm 16:5, NIV). Shall we not gladly say, "I'll take it, Lord! YES! I'll trust you for everything. Bless the Lord, O my soul!"

Streams in the Desert: Facts v. Feelings (Mrs. Charles E. Cowman)

"We walk by faith, not by appearance" (2 Cor. 5:7, RV).

By faith, not appearance; God never wants us to look at our feelings. Self may want us to; and Satan may want us to. But God wants us to face facts, not feelings; the facts of Christ and of His finished and perfect work for us.

When we face these precious facts, and believe them because God says they are facts, God will take care of our feelings.

God never gives feeling to enable us to trust Him; God never gives feeling to encourage us to trust Him; God never gives feeling to show that we have already and utterly trusted Him.

God gives feeling only when He sees that we trust Him apart from all feeling, resting on His own Word, and on His own faithfulness to His promise.

Never until then can the feeling (which is from God) possibly come; and God will give the feeling in such a measure and at such a time as His love sees best for the individual case.

We must choose between facing toward our feelings and facing toward God's facts. Our feelings may be as uncertain as the sea or the shifting sands. God's facts are as certain as the Rock of Ages, even Christ Himself, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

"When darkness veils His lovely face
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil."

10 Resolutions for Mental Health

10 Resolutions for Mental Health

Wisdom.

Ten Resolutions for Mental Health, by Dr. Clyde Kilby, taken from John Piper's blog...

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing."

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

Let That Be Enough.

As I sit here, listening to Paul Washer preach on "Regeneration v. the Idolatry of 'Decisional Evangelism'", I find myself re-evaluating my life. It has recently been brought to my attention (by the Holy Spirit) that I have a real problem with authority. I have also failed at evangelism.

This is not to say that I'm wallowing in some guilt-puddle. This feeling is very strange to me, because it's not guilt so much as disappointment, mixed with an urge to start telling people the truth about Christ. Washer speaks of evangelism as it is approached today, with a deeply secular, humanist and/or pluralist mindset...he talks about how the Gospel IS OFFENSIVE. No getting around it. It's going to offend people, because it's exclusive. He is so bold in his proclamation, and it causes me to think about the many times that I've sat by quietly and listened to the propagation of lies. Cari Jennings, the grand poobah of chit chat, sits, speechless, as evil is poured into someone's ears. I also think back to the times when I've watered it down, because I don't want to seem like some crazy, right-wing fanatic who knocks on strangers' doors out of some guilt-ridden sense of duty.

...But if I really sit down and ponder it...

This life is short. Very short. In comparison with eternity, it isn't even a blip on time's radar. So if life is short, eternity is long, and I will (relatively speaking) soon stand before a holy, perfect God, who knows EVERYTHING about me...what am I doing here in the meantime? If Hell is real (and it is...), and Christ is the only way to the Father (which He most definitely is...), and people haven't heard this fact, then why am I not standing on rooftops, yelling at people to inform them, nay, warn them?

I make small talk, and try my best to weave Jesus into that tapestry...yet so many times, I just get scared and keep blathering on about the weather, or Arabic class, or something ridiculous.

I've been very wrapped up in myself. I thought that my goals were to glorify God with my life, and to spread His Good News....turns out, when I really examine myself, I see that all of my goals revolve around my endless search for happiness, for something to fill the aching void inside my soul. I want to be a doctor...I say that that's so I can serve the under-served, minister to the needy...but is that really why? Or am I simply excited about the prospect of a comfy, financially-stable suburban life here in the States? I want to get married and (maybe) start a family someday...but is that for the sake of becoming holier and raising up children that will glorify Him, or is it about finding a man to validate me and fill that void that Jesus should occupy?

What. Am. I. Really. Up. To?

I spend my days, shirking duties, being lazy, and living from "happy" moment to "happy" moment, never content in what I find in those moments. Always wanting more. More time. More of this guy or that guy. More money. More stuff. More friends. More recognition. More, more, more.

There are times when I wish that I could steal away for a while, live on my own, with none of my friends/family around, no men, no nothing, and just ponder. Seek God in a vacuum, so to speak. But in reality, I think that perhaps that's one of our great tests as humans...to seek Him in the midst of the chaos, the noise, the constant distractions grappling for our attention.

Why am I so afraid? Rejection is not new for me...I have learned that I can, by His grace, handle it, so what part of people spurning the Gospel scares me so much? It's not even me that they're rejecting.

So, the question I pose is this: how exactly do we, Biblically-grounded, Reformed Christians go about evangelism? Does it matter if people think we're crazy? Do we simply not have the time try to candy-coat the Gospel? While relational evangelism is effective and seemingly better than angry Bible-thumping, is there a place for the folks standing on sidewalks and street corners, yelling and warning the masses? How do I share Him with others in a way that glorifies Him and is also obedient to His commands?

So...what I am searching for these days is this: to know Him. Deeper than ever before. I don't want to worship Him with my lips and despise Him in my heart, though that is what I am prone to. I want to tell others about Him, and not just with my actions. That's an easy cop-out for me...evangelism by example is important, but so is talking to people. I want to be bold. I want to stop being ridiculous. I want to crave Him above all other cravings. I want to cease being immature, and just grow. I don't want my life to be wasted in trivial pursuits, scurrying around day after day, until, suddenly, I'm face-to-face with Jesus having done nothing worthwhile.

People are wandering through life, headed directly for Hell, every moment of every day. Only Jesus can draw them to Himself...but He most certainly commanded us to "...go and make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:19a). Lord, let me live with urgency and boldness, so that I may one day stand before You and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."

The Cari Jennings MAN-ifesto...

So. Something is weighing heavily on my heart this evening...

Lately I've been questioning this, more than ever before in my life.

For years, I thought I knew exactly what I believed, and what the "right" position was on the subject, but now...I'm not so sure. I just feel very confused.

So my question is this: what is a woman's role, in life, in family, in the business world, in EVERYTHING?

I've spent the greater portion of my life believing that women can do it all...home, marriage, children, career, church...all of it. I still believe that women can do these things...I'm just not sure whether they should.

I've functioned as some strange breed of pseudo-feminist. I don't believe that women are interchangeable with men, and I don't believe that women are better than men. But I got really tired of condescension toward women, so I developed a very cynical attitude toward men. However, I have known many wonderful men, and had many a male best friend, so I couldn't dismiss them totally. Also, I know, based on my understanding of the Word, that a lot of my attitude probably has a lot to do with rebellion against the fact that male authority over women is something that God ordained, because I am very much sinful. I just really take issue with many attitudes I've seen toward women from male friends who, on the surface, seem alright.

It's been brought to my attention, as of late, that many men have ridiculous, unrealistic expectations of the women in their lives. Just recently, I sat, flabbergasted, as a guy whose opinions and insights I value referred to one of my friends as "overweight" when she clearly is not, and how dating her was a big step for him because he was used to women who were more fit. I sat in a room as two guys trolled girls' Facebook profiles, critiquing all of their pictures and making rude, demeaning, and disrespectful comments about these girls and their bodies. All of this comes on the heels of years of hoping and expecting and praying that guys would act certain ways, and consistently being let down. Boys, what's going on here? I'm not saying that you have to walk around trying to find ways to tell women how gorgeous they are...I am definitely saying that you MUST STOP expressing yourselves in a way that destroys their self-confidence.

NEWS FLASH, GENTLEMEN: Women are already intensely self-conscious, and spend a great deal of their time trying to find ways to please you, look more attractive so you will like them, and generally tone themselves down so that they don't get on your nerves just by being themselves. (Granted, some women are confident enough to not do these things...those women are few and far between.) Many of you couldn't give two poops about what we think of your crude, oversexed, rude selves, and yet we spend so much time trying to please you. The least you could do is NOT harass us or make us feel terrible about ourselves. Honestly, we already do that to ourselves enough. We don't need your help. We don't need you to reinforce the ridiculous standards or self-destructive messages thrown our way on a daily basis.

I do not walk through campus, staring down men and judging them based on their appearance, fitness, or fashion sense. I can appreciate an attractive man when I see him, but I don't despise or deride the guys that don't look like Brad Pitt. I understand that men are visual, and I'm not saying that all women should stop wearing make-up, burn their bras, and gain 50 pounds. I'm saying that a woman's motivation for these things should NOT come from a need to please men, because here's the thing: THEY DO NOT CARE. The men that are going to degrade you and treat you like dirt are going to do that regardless of the fact that you are beautiful, because there is honestly something wrong with them mentally. The men that treat you with respect, love, and who are legitimately masculine are going to think you're fantastic regardless of how tan, toned, or skinny you are or aren't. So, if you want to wear make-up, go to the gym, tan, or wear cute clothes, go for it. That is your prerogative, and no one should think any less or any more of you for it. However, if you do these things because without them, you feel ugly, worthless, or unattractive, then, by all means, CUT IT OUT.

Now, having said that, let me say this: GENTLEMEN....

We (as women) do not make our decisions regarding who to spend our lives with based on the size of your biceps, pecs, or the speed with which you can run a mile. Based on my conversations with other women and my own experience, I can tell you, a man who can make a girl laugh, treat her with respect, and simply adore her because of who she is will win over a guy with a fabulous physique and an arrogant attitude nearly every time. Again, if you enjoy working out because you want to be healthy and it's just something you like to do, then go for it. Have fun, and pump those muscles up. But if you're doing it for women, out of insecurity or a need to fake your own ideas of masculinity, then don't waste your time. We love you just the way you are...man boobs and all. :)

Obviously, I don't have all the answers. Heck, I'm still single, and definitely working through some of my own terrible attitudes about men. I do love men, sincerely. My best friends in the world so far have been male, and there are so many things that I admire about them. It just pains me to see men that treat women so terribly.

Another issue recently brought to light: GENTLEMEN...stop playing with women's hearts. I mean it. Cut it out.

Here's the deal: If you mean it when you say that you don't want to break women's hearts or tear people up, then stop being flirtatious with women you have no intention of pursuing. Some men do not realize that they're doing this, so let me lay some knowledge on you. Gentlemen, if you pay lots of attention to a girl, she's going to take it the wrong way. If you're constantly calling her, texting her, hanging out with her one-on-one, saying flirtatious things, or acting in a way that causes those around you two to question whether there's something there, she's going to think something's there. We are constantly bombarded with one of two schools of thought on male-female interaction:

School 1: If he likes you, he'll play games, ignore you, act obtuse, generally treat you like crap.

OR...

School 2: If he likes you , he'll come right out and say it; there are no games, and he means what he says.

These mixed-up philosophies have left lots of us guessing, so...be clear with your intentions. If you like her, say so. That's your job. Sorry, no getting around it. If you want us to fulfill our role as receptors, then you have to act as the initiator. If you don't like her, then, for heaven's sake, don't act like you do. Even if you lose her friendship, it is so much better for her to stop wasting her time wondering about you or waiting for you to act and be a little offended than to spend time pining over a man who's never going to reciprocate. I understand that having some girl wrapped around your little finger, getting all of her attention, and having her fawn over you can be a fantastic ego booster, and that so many of you are used to being emasculated by various factors in your surroundings, that a little ego boost would be nice. But you CANNOT play with women's hearts like that. Women may act as though it doesn't affect them, but honestly, we can't detach our hearts the way y'all sometimes can. We're just made that way. So. To review, BE HONEST, BE CLEAR, and BE A MAN---TAKE INITIATIVE.

Women have a hard time accepting their role and living within those boundaries because so many (but not all) men either abuse their authority or fall down on the job. This is not to say that making mistakes = failure. We're all human. When I say "fall down on the job", I am speaking of those men who take the easy road and allow women to take over because they are lazy or afraid. If given the opportunity, many women will grab hold of the reins, and run things quite well. It takes a grounded, masculine, wise man to gracefully and authoritatively reclaim those reins. I do not think that male abuse of authority is grounds for a woman to abandon her role and subvert the natural order of things; I am simply saying that when men step down, it provides ample opportunity for women to step up.

All that said, what's a gal to do about the whole family/career juggling act? I find myself at a bit of a crossroad...

I want to be a doctor. Like, more than anything. But I don't know that I can do that AND work at a marriage AND raise children. Maybe that's just my naivete talking, but I just don't know how thin I can spread myself. I just don't want to do a half-way job of any of those things. Are women really built to be wives and mothers? Is that my calling? Can I be called to medicine AND those things? Am I subverting God's or man's authority by pursuing medicine/a career in general? And if I do get married, what is my role within that?

For years, I've simply seen marriage as a business agreement. It wasn't until this summer that the Lord opened my eyes to my cynicism and incorrect views. I just never saw it as such a commitment, or a spiritual bonding of one person to another. Thankfully, my views have changed...but now it all seems so much scarier because it's a much bigger deal than I originally thought. Also....what exactly IS a woman's role in the church? Doormat? Servant? Quiet servant? I am not seeking an answer to make me happy; I am seeking truth.

So. Deep thoughts on a Saturday night. I'd love to hear some different perspectives.

You may disagree with me, but I hope that this has provided insight for some of you. Holla if you disagree, agree, or want to ask me pointed questions. :D

Dreamin' of Revelry...

So.

It's been quite a while. I sort of abandoned my blog the last half of my time with SMRM for various reasons. Let's see if I can catch you up:

July: Helped with pre-parade entertainment for thousands of people on the Parkway on Independence Day. John, Matt, and I hauled around an amp and microphone and sang a medley of patriotic songs over and over for a couple of hours until the parade started at midnight in downtown Gatlinburg. It was actually pretty awesome...it was also my first experience with an energy drink....Word of wisdom: don't chug an entire Monster in 1.5 minutes while running down the Parkway. It made me a little insane.

We finished up day camps, and they were lovely. I met some of the coolest kids toward the end. It's so awesome to meet kids who are actually excited to just sit and play games or laugh at your silliness during Simon Says, especially since they are the product of a generation that has such disdain for anything that doesn't involve a controller or touch screen.

I attended St. Paul Lutheran every Wednesday night, and visited Hills Creek Baptist Church 2 nights, once to speak about my summer and then to sing for them. I also attended Carterstown Missionary Baptist, and every single church was different, but consistently welcoming and warm. It was so cool to go back to my missionary Baptist roots and see that it wasn't what I thought it was all these years. It was also pretty awesome to bring my Yankee co-workers with me and watch their respective reactions to the deeply twangy hymns and spirited preaching. My experiences at St. Paul were also eye-opening and different. For those that don't know, I grew up alternating Sundays at the my mom's missionary Baptist church and my dad's Presbyterian church. Needless to say, I grew up a little confused, and I'm still working through a little bit of that confusion. Anyway, I've seen both ends of the spectrum worship-wise and the Lutheran liturgy really took me back to my Presbyterian days. I truly love liturgy, as opposed to what you would see in a traditional Baptist church, because it takes the focus off of people and their "performance" and places it on the creeds, sermon, and hymns. I find it a lot less distracting, and there's some comfort in doing things like confessing the Nicene creed every week. However, I really believe that either format has its merits and downfalls, so I'm good with either one.

For a while I began to believe that I might be more suited for Lutheranism...it felt like I fit in there. :) But more on that later...

The conversations revolving around birth control, human physiology, and Calvinism continued for the rest of the mission. Seriously, I think I went to bed every single night around 2 AM or 4 AM because I was up talking to someone about one of these issues. However, I wouldn't trade all that sleep deprivation for the world, because those conversations grew me so much, and caused me to dig into the Word like never before. Debates broke out and jokes were thrown around about everything from the inerrancy of the Word to limited atonement, and it was great, albeit very frustrating at times. But I learned a great deal about the beauty of challenge and argument...it can be a very constructive thing, and what's the point of unexamined life and belief? And believe it or not, some of my beliefs were even changed somewhat. These beliefs revolved around my relationships with fellow believers, and my responsibility to their consciences. Very interesting stuff.

August: Originally, I was supposed to go home August 5th. But, I ended up needing to stay til the 7th to finish up ministry with my last Sunday leading worship at our campgrounds...that was until I dropped my laptop on pavement and gravely injured it. I took my laptop to the Apple store in Knoxville, and they told me they'd have it back to me within 1-3 days...because it was so messed up, they ended up shipping it off to California and so I got it back 3 weeks later. So, instead of going home and then coming right back to Knoxville, I ended up staying with the Portier family in Sevierville for an extra week. The father, Robert, is the pastor of St. Paul (the Lutheran church I'd been attending), and I cannot tell you what a blessing that week was. After a week of stress and emotional turmoil, it was such a relief to walk into that house, sit down on the couch, and nom on some of Gerda's (his wife) fabulous sweet bread. They made my time there so fabulously restful and fun, and I will forever be indebted to them for their kindness.

August also meant that I had to part ways with my SMRM teammates and ACMNP friends, which was so very sad. I learned so much from each one of them, and they made my time in the Smokies so much fun. It's strange to come home when no one understands all of your stupid inside jokes and weird noises. It was hard being the last person to leave the East TN, but I was glad that I got to see everyone off. I didn't cry until August 15th, when Scott pulled out of my driveway. That was my very last connection to this summer, and I feel like I finally got the closure I needed. But now things are back to normal, and this summer almost feels like a different world. It's almost like I was in a coma for 3 months and just woke up a month ago. Strange, but good.

In a soon-to-come post, I'll talk about my struggles with the Lutheran v. Baptist debate, internal struggles highlighted by this summer, and life since SMRM.

More to come later... :)

We cannot keep You in a box...

So as I sit here, I find myself in a strange place spiritually. Last night, I had a very tense, very sleep-deprived, very thought-provoking conversation with two of my housemates about Calvinism.

Let me preface the rest of my post by saying that for years, I was a staunch anti-Calvinist. For me, all that its ideology represented for me was a mean, vindictive God who stood as a Divine Puppet-Master rather than a loving Father. It has only been in the recent past that I have begun to actually research and believe the ideas set forth by John Calvin.

Let me also preface the following statements with this statement: John Calvin was a man, a human being, who was both fallible and sinful. Therefore, his ideas about God are not infallible. While I do think that a lot of what he said makes a lot of sense, God's Word (the Bible) is the ultimate authority that I look to for guidance and truth. His Word IS infallible and holds the words of life.

So, I spoke to the two men, both of whom are quite anti-Calvinist, which is fine with me. I don't think that a person's beliefs about this sort of thing affect their salvation at all. The debate became rather heated at some points, and I think both sides became frustrated with the other at times. However, I left the conversation with lots to think about, and with more respect for each guy's views than I had before. We ended up staying awake 'til around 3 AM talking about all this, so I'm quite tired as I write this. But it was totally worth it.

The conversation revolved around the notion that Calvinism presents God as a manipulative "puppet-master" who forces people to love and worship Him, while forcing other people to sin and journey toward Hell. This is how I, too, used to see it. I could not bring myself to believe that God chose to send people to Hell. I'm still not entirely sure what I believe about human free will (or lack thereof) and how it's juxtaposed against God's sovereignty. But here's what I do believe, based on reading God's Word:

1.) Man is sinful. Woefully so. There is nothing good in us, and we cannot make ourselves good.

(Mark 7:21, Ecclesiastes 9:3)

2.) Man does not seek God, because He is evil and there is nothing in him that would cause him to naturally want anything Godly. (Romans 3:9-18)

3.) God is sovereign, perfect, and holy. I do not think that He changes His mind, and I do not think that any human being (or anything else He's created) can resist His will. (Romans 9:14-29)

4.) Because man is sinful, cannot/will not seek God, and God is sovereign and loving, He draws people to Himself. He chooses them, and works salvation in their lives. He does not choose them because of anything He sees in them. I do not believe He chooses people arbitrarily, either. (Philippians 2:12-13)

I am hardly a theologian, and this is not a complete (or even a very good) summation of what I believe on this subject.

As I write this, it occurs to me that the whole discussion is a little silly. It is good to learn about doctrine, and it is good to talk these things out. However, this is an issue that has destroyed friendships, split churches, and scarred some people's view of God. When misinterpreted (intentionally or unintentionally), it can be used as a weapon by Satan to divide people and render the Church crippled and ineffective. (2 Timothy 2:14-16)

Regardless of whether God "elects" people or not, He is good. He is perfect, He is beautiful, and I love Him. He is flawless, and I know that He loves everyone of us, regardless of whether we reciprocate. (2 Timothy 2:13)

I do love having these discussions, even if they raise my blood pressure a little, because I come away from the with an insatiable hunger for God Word, and a desperate need to know His truth, regardless of whether it is the truth I want to hear.

Having said all that, I think it's a little funny that this topic so feared, widely researched, and constantly battled over. When it comes down to it, it's really a moot point. If Calvin's right, awesome. If Arminius is right, awesome. Either way, the point of the Gospel is this:

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners---of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason, I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen." (1 Timothy 1:15-17)

Grace and peace,

Cari

You still have me, You still have my heart...

"When it feels like my dreams are so far,

Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again.

...I give You my apathy, I'm giving You all of me;

I want Your symphony singing in all that I am.

At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back."

Lyrics from a totally cheesy song can speak to you sometimes (see above). Sometimes, God allows you to see how far you've come. Other times, He allows you to fall on Your face so that You can remember just how much you need Him. Tonight has been one of those nights. I am sitting here at the moment, frustrated as hell, a little worried, and altogether melancholy (I hate that word, but I can't find another at the moment...).

It turns out that this whole communal living thing isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I still love everyone in this house. But my patience is wearing quite thin. I have to have somewhere to be honest about it, and I figure that it's a good thing for me to be honest within this forum.

Tonight, I nearly lost my cool completely, due to a lot of different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the natural tension that arises when people live together, but seriously, I feel like I just need to punch something repeatedly.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why some people seem to believe that it's ok to maintain crappy attitudes, passive aggressive ways of coping, etc. I have a few pet peeves in this life, and one of them is people who have a problem with me, but rather than confronting me, talk about it to someone else.

Ok. Now that I've exposed the impatient, mean side of myself, let's talk about some things that I'm learning.

It seems as though the Lord is trying to speak to me about prayer lately. The past week of my devotional has been about prayer, Joey gave us a booklet on prayer to read last night, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It's not something that I've given a lot of attention to in my life, because for the longest, I was convinced that if everything is predestined, then God is not going to change His mind, and therefore, I don't really need to pray about anything. Quite silly, when I consider how much emphasis is placed on prayer in the Word...So, I am excited to see what the Lord is going to teach me about it in the near future.

In other news, I really miss church (Belle Aire and Arabic). It's pretty hard when you're constantly leading, rather than attending. It's hard to feed myself rather than being fed. To be honest, I like it better the other way around. But, I know that God will use this to shape me...it just stinks while I'm in the midst of the shaping process.

A few financial worries are also causing me a bunch of stress, which stinks. I hate for money to stress me out, but it does. I trust that God will provide. But sheesh..it's hard to wait.

I find out my MCAT score a week from tomorrow, and that's a bit of nailbiter...literally. I just want to get this whole application/score-finding-out process over with.

I also find myself very much distracted by certain people. I want very much to not be so distracted, but it's not seeming to happen. Sometimes the distractions are good, sometimes they are a hindrance. I don't know why they're there, and if they'll stop being distractions, but I do know that God doesn't just throw people into your life for no reason. So, I'll just take it as it comes and give it right back to Him.

SO, in conclusion, God is good, all the time. Thankfully, He isn't letting me off easy. :) I am very thankful that He has given me rest, the Allman Brothers, hummus, long barefoot walks in the rain, and laughter to get me through all of this.

From "Streams in the Desert"...

"GOD MEANT IT UNTO GOOD" (Gen. 50:20).

"God meant it unto good"--O blest assurance,
Falling like sunshine all across life's way,
Touching with Heaven's gold earth's darkest storm clouds,
Bringing fresh peace and comfort day by day.

'Twas not by chance the hands of faithless brethren
Sold Joseph captive to a foreign land;
Nor was it chance which, after years of suffering,
Brought him before the monarch's throne to stand.

One Eye all-seeing saw the need of thousands,
And planned to meet it through that one lone soul;
And through the weary days of prison bondage
Was working towards the great and glorious goal.

As yet the end was hidden from the captive,
The iron entered even to his soul;
His eye could scan the present path of sorrow,
Not yet his gaze might rest upon the whole.

Faith failed not through those long, dark days of waiting,
His trust in God was recompensed at last,
The moment came when God led forth his servant
To succour many, all his sufferings past.

"It was not you but God, that sent me hither,"
Witnessed triumphant faith in after days;
"God meant it unto good," no "second causes"
Mingled their discord with his song of praise.

"God means it unto good" for thee, beloved,
The God of Joseph is the same today;
His love permits afflictions strange and bitter,
His hand is guiding through the unknown way.

Thy Lord, who sees the end from the beginning,
Hath purposes for thee of love untold.
Then place thy hand in His and follow fearless,
Till thou the riches of His grace behold.

There, when thou standest in the Home of Glory,
And all life's path ties open to thy gaze,
Thine eyes shall see the hand which now thou trustest,
And magnify His love through endless days.
--Freda Hanbury Allen

Maybe I'm Strong as Stone...

So as I sit here, listening to Alison Krauss + Union Station and filling out my application to medical school, I am being overtaken by a huge wave of thoughts and emotions. Moments like these tend to make me very introspective and retrospective.

I was just reflecting on the many events, people, and things that have brought me to this point in my life. When I think back to the person I was 2 years ago, I am amazed at how far Christ has brought me. This is not to say that I have reached some sort of pinnacle of morality...I'm still a jerk sometimes. I'm still human, of course.

The farther I get in school, the more that I get the feeling that God has something very specific and very exciting planned for me. For a long time, I had my own ideas about what form that plan would take. At this point, I've never in my life been more uncertain as to what direction life will take for me. It used to be that this sort of uncertainty terrified me, and I would do everything in my power to grasp some sort of control, make a plan, etc. Now I find that, for whatever reason, the Lord is allowing me to simply trust Him. The more I come to know Him, the more I realize that this life isn't about taking the easy road, being comfortable, or choosing the path of least resistance. To paraphrase Robert Frost, I would like to be able to say that I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

I do know that He has called me to the world of medicine, though what form that will take, I don't yet know. I am beginning to believe that He has called me to minister to medically underserved populations, whether that is in Saudi Arabia, Nicaragua, or Memphis, TN. All I know for certain is that whatever it is that He calls me to, He will equip me to handle it, and not only handle it, but to thrive. Whatever happens, I simply want people to be confronted with Him when they meet me.

As I adjust to my life here in the Smokies, I am finding that living amongst so many people is both a challenge and a joy. I have a feeling that we are yet to face many issues, but I am confident that no conflict, problem, or issue is insurmountable. My prayer this week is that God would help me to be an observer, rather than a meddler. I have a deep-seated desire to fix things, to be a peacemaker, and to freely dispense my advice. The problem with that lies in the fact that I don't necessarily think like everyone else, and not everyone in the world wants my advice. :) These are facts that it has taken me 21 years to truly understand, but I think I'm getting there.

Pray that He would quiet my spirit, and my mouth. Pray that I would keep a tight rein on my tongue, and that I would use my words to edify, rather than to sarcastically pick at people for the sake of a laugh. Pray that the Lord would give me patience with people, circumstances, and myself. Pray that I would have an undistracted, undivided heart, and that He would give me clarity and discernment as I seek to know exactly what or whom to give my heart to.

Please pray for our team here in the Smokies, that we would be unified, patient with one another, loving, and considerate of the fact that we are all adjusting to this lifestyle. Pray that we would strive for excellence in our planning of day camps and worship services, rather than slapping them together at the last minute. Pray that above all, we would know Him as intimately as possible, and that we would be so filled with His love that it simply spills over into others' lives.

Pray especially for me this week, as I work on my medical school application, that the Lord would give me clarity, and inspiration to write my personal statement.

Lastly, I have yet to meet an international student that I can really click with and pour into, so pray that the Lord would bring me to someone who needs to know His love, and that I would have sense enough to recognize them and love them as I should.

I love and miss you all!

Grace and Peace,

Cari

Motorcycles and Lawnmowers.

So. I find it funny that God seems to speak to me at rather random times. I tend to see Him more in the mundane things of life rather than in miraculous circumstances.

Yesterday, as I was riding to town with my teammates to get Matt's guitar fixed, I was feeling rather down about the myriad ways that I've fallen short as of late. I felt like I was drifting farther from God because I was not constantly going, going, going, frantically trying to "work" for Him. I felt lazy and useless. And then it hit me. He loves me anyway. For the first time in a long time, it was as though He was allowing me to understand that His love truly doesn't depend on how "good" I am. It's something that you hear all the time growing up in the church, and yet it didn't seem to really make sense until yesterday. This realization brought about such a wave of relief and hope, as I realized that God is not looking at me with disappointment, and He doesn't withhold His love from me when I fail Him.

I have spent a lot of time trying to do things well and be perfect so that I can feel like a "good Christian", when truly, this sort of behavior is woefully un-Christian. But thanks be to God for His unconditional mercy and love.

It's good to know that God is not as intolerant of me as I have been of other people. This was another realization that I came to this evening. As we sent our houseparents for the week off, I found myself being very hard on them in my mind, judging their every word and balking at their seeming hypocrisy...and then, again, it hit me. I am just as much of a hypocrite. I am way too hard on people, and as a result, I am way too hard on myself. It's good to have standards, but sheesh...no one can live up to standards of perfection.

I have had a lot of time on this trip to sit and be quiet in His presence, and I have enjoyed it so much. It's amazing how well you can hear Him when you stop and listen. Last night, the group hiked at the Rainbow Falls trailhead, came to the creek, and saw the most spectacular display of synchronized fireflies ever. Apparently, this phenomenon only happens once a year, for about 15 days in Gatlinburg, TN and some city in Malaysia...so, pretty exciting stuff. As we sat there in the silence and darkness, I was overwhelmed by how big, how creative, and how loving Christ really is. I wish I could explain it to you, but it's something that you'll just have to see for yourself someday.

Today, we (Matt, Chelsi, and I) led worship again in our two campgrounds, and it was such a joy. Let me tell you, there is just no feeling like singing to Jesus. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Tomorrow begins another fun-filled week, with new houseparents, new challenges, and new adventures. I cannot wait. :)

Church Van Days and Beef Jerky Nights...

If I could describe this place in one word, it would have to be SPLENDIFEROUS. :)

I cannot tell you how much I've already grown after having been here for one week. When I first arrived at Camp Smoky, I was a little apprehensive. I knew absolutely no one, and had no idea what to expect. What I never expected was such a wonderful group of friends, such a solid leader, and such fun. This week alone, I've hiked to Clingman's Dome (highest point in the Smoky Mountains), swam in the river at the Greenbriar swimming hole, walked around/had fun on the Parkway 3 times, talked to multiple amazing people about Jesus, climbed a tower, swung on a swing 30 feet in the air, and learned more about myself and my teammates than I thought possible.

First, let's talk about our fearless leader, Bill Black. When I first met him, I thought, "Hey, this guy reminds me of my grandpa...seems sweet." Then he started talking. :) He is both terrifying and fantastic, (much like a certain Organic Chemistry professor I had a year ago...) and I am super excited by the fact that he is, in a way, forcing us to be accountable, grow up, and do our absolute best, with no excuses.

As far as I know, our responsibilities this summer are leading worship in campgrounds and resorts on Sunday mornings, leading day camps in the campgrounds for children, and ministering to international students that are here to work in the area this summer. Our first Sunday, my friend Matt and I were the only team members that led worship at two of the campgrounds, and it was absolutely awesome. We got to sing, I had to write and lead a prayer, and I'll even get to speak some over the course of the summer. It definitely doesn't hurt that we get to ride with him in his sweet convertible red Mustang to church every Sunday... :) I'm am so excited about the opportunity to speak at the services this summer, because that's not really an opportunity that I would have otherwise.

Day camps seem to be a bad word around here, but I'm sure they'll be alright. It's going to be extremely hot and humid outside, but we'll make it through. :)

Ministering to internationals is what I'm most excited about. The majority of the students that work here come from Russia, eastern Europe (Moldova, Bulgaria, etc.), Mongolia, and Thailand. It's so cool to just sit and talk to these guys, help them with their English, and minister to them by engaging in simple acts of kindness like helping with laundry or taking them to dinner. I'm hoping to become at least conversational in Russian this summer, and I'm going to attempt to learn how to play the guitar! :)

Living in a house with 16 other 18-25 year olds and two adults is definitely a different experience for me, and I'm surprised at how much I love it. Everyone is pretty considerate for the most part, our houseparents cook some ballin' meals (I mean, come on...they're old Baptist people, of course they cook well..), and my little room is cozy. I have a super sweet roommate (Shelby Newman) who is kind enough to wake me up when I sleep in (every day...) and who shares my deep abiding love of Jars of Clay. :D I can't tell you how much it just warms my heart to sit up almost every night til 2 AM and talk with my housemates about everything from Calvinism and theistic evolution to smoking hookah and Chuck Norris jokes.

Today, I got to spend some time with Jillian one on one, and it was pretty great. It's so fabulously comforting to know that I can be myself around these people. We had a day off, so we went to WalMart (ooooo...partay...) so I could get some hummus, stationary, and other fun things, then went shopping (I found a J. Crew dress for $20!!!). We all went to the Parkway to hangout and indulge in copious amounts of lemonade and beef jerky, and I introduced all the poor deprived Texan friends to SunDrop! Next week, we will begin planning our day camps and worship services, and chill out to rest up before our super intense summer really begins.

Now...on to the truly important matters of this trip...

I cannot express in words the ways that I can see the Lord changing my heart. First of all, on a superficial level, waking up and doing quiet times in the mountains, worshiping with strangers, and focusing almost exclusively on my walk with Christ, has been so very good for me. It is so wonderful to have this kind of rest and time to delve into the Word after all the stress of the MCAT.

It is amazing how alive and active God's word truly is. He has been so good to teach, guide, and mold me through His word, the teaching given to us by Bill, Joey, and my teammates, and He has filled my heart with both an insatiable hunger for His word, and with a love for those around me that I've never quite felt before. It's been very interesting to see how so many things that have occurred over the course of my life have been leading up to the things that are going to happen this summer, and how this summer is and will prepare me for medical school and the medical field. As I sit here, I am starting to fill out my med school application, and working on my personal statement. Scary! :)

More than anything, I want to love these people (my teammates, leaders, and those I minister to) in such a way that causes them to be confronted with and hungry for Christ. All that I ask is that He would use me as a conduit for His love and truth. For so long, sharing Jesus was all about arguing with people, thumping my Bible, and feeling self-righteous. God has been so good to show me that that is not ok, and to put people and circumstances in my path that caused me to evaluate my actions.

As far as things I would ask prayer for, I ask that you all would pray for unity amongst our team. We are all vastly different people, and as things get stressful, we are bound to get upset with one another. Pray that we would all "consider others better than ourselves", and strive to maintain peace.

Pray that we would do our work with excellence, with happy hearts, and smiling faces, regardless of how hot it is, how tired we are, etc.

Pray that I would be disciplined in all of my choices, most especially my diet, exercise, and quiet times.

Pray that Christ would work through us in a mighty way, and that we would not be content to sit idly by and let other do the work.

Pray that we would maintain respect for our leaders, that we would be an encouragement to them, and that we would build them and each other up.

Thanks to all of you who are praying! I love you guys and if you want to talk to me, text me and I'll find a way for us to Skype so I can see your lovely faces! :D

Grace and Peace,

Cari

Pain...

"The cry of man's anguish went up to God,
'Lord take away pain:
The shadow that darkens the world Thou hast made,
The close-coiling chain
That strangles the heart, the burden that weighs
On the wings that would soar,
Lord, take away pain from the world Thou hast made,
That it love Thee the more.'

"Then answered the Lord to the cry of His world:
'Shall I take away pain,
And with it the power of the soul to endure,
Made strong by the strain?
Shall I take away pity, that knits heart to heart
And sacrifice high?
Will ye lose all your heroes that lift from the fire
White brows to the sky?
Shall I take away love that redeems with a price
And smiles at its loss?
Can ye spare from your lives that would climb unto Me
The Christ on His cross?"

Meditations...

So. This day has brought many different thoughts to my mind. I should be reading general chemistry for my MCAT, but I'm super distracted by all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I just took a run, and that kind of helped, but not entirely. So here goes...

1.) Lately, it seems as though a lot of my previous ideas about Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Word, and other such things are getting turned upside down. I mentioned this in my last post, but it goes a lot deeper than what I mentioned. I honestly feel like a new Christian. I've been doing things my way for so long, and I'm finally realizing, by God's grace, that those ways were not good, and they were not necessarily of Him. I feel that I'm actually starting to get to know Him, which sounds ridiculous after 21 years of church, and 7 years of supposedly being a believer...but it's just the truth. The Word jumps out at me like never before, and I love it! Also, I can't make heads or tails of the whole evangelism thing anymore, because for so long, it was all about trying to argue people into coming to Jesus. But after scrutiny of the Word, pondering the way that Jesus ministered to those around Him, and a few really good conversations with friends who are solid in their walk, I know that that approach is completely wrong. For the first time in my life, I want to simply listen to people, and share life with them, hopefully loving them as Christ loves. I want them to know the truth, and the older I get, the more I realize that people are a lot more likely to "listen" to your actions than your words. Also, the great in joy in my Calvinist beliefs is that I'm not the one responsible for saving people. I definitely have a responsibility to go and tell (see Matthew 28:19-20), but it is the Holy Spirit working in people's hearts that brings them to salvation. What a relief. So, it's pretty tough to realize that I've been so harsh and immature in my actions for so long, but praise Jesus, because He didn't let me continue in my stupidity.

2.) Med school. It's on the horizon...whoa.

3.) Dating: What's a girl to do? I honestly don't want to date, but I don't know that "courtship" is totally kosher either...My 6-month "no-dating" commitment ended May 6th of this year (just a few weeks ago...), and it's not like I have any prospects at the moment. And I'm actually content in that. But, sometimes, people walk into your life, and they make you question what exactly God would have you do should the situation arise. I don't know that I'll be in any sort of relationship with anyone in the very near future, unless someone just surprises me. But questions like "When/if I find someone or someone finds me, what sort of relationship set-up would honor the Lord most?", and "how on earth do you know if you're actually in love with this guy?" seem to come up way too frequently. My response as of late has been to simply lasso the thought and hand it to God for Him to deal with. Whatever the case, I know that He's got it all under control, and that it's simply my job to be still, wait on His timing, and not "awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Solomon 8:4b).

4.) I really want to go somewhere that is not the United States. Like, anywhere. Not because I don't love it here. I'm just itching to get out on the international mission field. However, I know that God has called me to medicine for now. But I'm really hoping that maybe He'll allow me to go on some sort of short-term mission trip overseas...I don't know...but it's an exciting prospect.

So...feels good to get all of that out. It feels even better to know that Jesus has it all under control. Man oh man..He sure is good.

"I know Your promises are faithful, and I, I've seen Your goodness in my life. Oh, I've found Your mercy is a river, Your love is an ocean. You say I am blessed because of this, and You get glory in the midst of this, and You're walking with me...You say I am blessed because of this, so I choose to believe that as I carry this cross, You'll carry me." (Audrey Assad)

Roll Away Your Stone, I'll Roll Away Mine...

So. Here I sit, having finished my junior year of college (!), 11 days away from taking my MCAT, and 12 days away from beginning my mission in the Smokies. Needless to say (but I'm gonna say it anyway...), I have a lot going on. I've spent a large part of the last two weeks vacillating between major anxiety + stress, and peace. My anxiety centers around two things: my financial state, and my future.

Anyone who knows me relatively well knows that I struggle deeply with anxiety about everything, most especially my future. I find it interesting (and I find the Lord's timing very obvious) that Brother Dean's sermons over the past couple of weeks have been on anxiety as a sin, and what one can do to combat it. I find myself constantly listening to my fears, which tell me that I will never get into medical school (especially not on my first try), that I will never be a doctor, and that being a doctor is all that I'm good for in this world. Instead of marveling at my blessings, as well as the numerous opportunities that He has granted me, I complete every task with the statement "It's still not enough". I think that perhaps this statement sums up a lot of my struggles in life. I find myself believing that I am not enough for people, that just being myself isn't enough of a reason for people to be good to me. I sometimes feel like no matter how hard I try in school, it's just never enough. I even find myself believing that my God is not enough, and this grieves my heart, because I know that it is not true, and that this kind of thinking dishonors Him.

However, thankfully, He is slowly whittling away these stony layers of self-proclaimed inadequacy, and bringing me into the realization that because Christ is in me, I have all that I will ever need. He is the fullness of God, and He is my Shield. His Holy Spirit is working in my life, and because I am a work-in-progress, I don't have to spend my time questioning whether I am good enough. He and I both know that I am not, though I sometimes put up a confident front; but because He loves me, He promises to fill me up and carry me through each day. That is more than I could ever ask for, yet He gives it freely and willingly. Now that, my friends, is an amazing kind of love.

And speaking of love...

Lately, Christ has been turning my ideas about love upside down. For the longest time, I associated the word "love" with sunshine and smiles, believing that if something really involves love, then it won't be tough or scary or sad. Turns out, there are far too many examples of love in the Word that involve tough, scary, and sad situations. In Genesis 22, Abraham's love for and desire to obey God causes him to nearly sacrifice his only son. In the book of Esther, Esther's love for her family and her people compelled her to risk her own life in order to save them from the hand of Haman and King Xerxes. The prophet Hosea was asked by God to love and remain faithful to his wife, though she was wayward, adulterous, and consistently rejected him. And of course, Christ laid down His life in the most humiliating and excruciatingly painful act of love in all history, all for a people who consistently betray Him. This leads me to believe that, while love is good, and sometimes sweet and happy, many times, love reaches deep beyond the realm of emotion, and tests the very foundations of the soul.

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul talks about what love is and is not. Love IS patient, IS kind, and it always hopes, trusts and perseveres. He also says that it does not envy, boast, is NOT proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, and does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth (found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6). It seems to me that real love is never a feeling, an emotion, or something easy. In fact, I think that it may be one of the greatest challenges of our human existence. I thought for so long that I was such a loving person, with all of these great intentions. Yet, when the Holy Spirit allowed me to step back and examine my heart, all I found apart from Him was wickedness and selfishness. I thought I was loving, because I didn't know what love was, and I'm still not sure that I grasp it entirely. I want to love as Christ loves, without condition and without reservation. A good friend and I have had many conversations recently about the fact that loving people and serving the Lord does not mean that you won't get walked on. In fact, it tends to be the case that these efforts cause you a lot of grief and invite people to walk on you. But the good news is that Jesus never said that you wouldn't get walked on...but He will be there to help you (and me) to love like He did. So, love is not sunshine and lollipops...it's a big scary rollercoaster ride that may result in injury...but it's worth it every time.

In other news, I started attending the Arabic Evangelical Church here in the Boro this month, and I am absolutely in love with it. There's something strangely wonderful about worshipping the Lord in a different language, and I've met so many wonderful people there! I can't wait to actually start learning some serious Arabic so that I won't need as much translation.

My MCAT is in a few days, and I'm nervous, but also surprisingly peaceful. As I sit here, there is a $700 check on my nightstand, given to me by my ever-generous aunt and uncle, to pay for the cost of my medical school application. I'll pay them back in August, but I cannot get over their generosity, as well as how God just continues to provide at every turn. He just blows my mind every time, and every time I am struck by how silly (and sinful) it is for me to ever doubt His providence and mercy.

I will be leaving for the Smoky Mountains (yay mission trip!) May 27th, and I cannot wait. I actually have to be at the dorm exactly 24 hours after I finish my MCAT! I am super excited to see how the Lord is going to change and shape me this summer, and I only hope that He will use me as a vessel to proclaim His truth. I would ask that those of you who are praying for me would pray I will be a usable vessel, and that I would soak up as much of His Word as I can. Pray that He would fill me completely with His love, so that that love can be poured into others, and pray for the people that I am going to encounter as I work this summer. Pray that I would be bold in proclaiming the truth, and that I would not back down.

Thanks to everyone who has been and will be praying for me! I love and appreciate you all! :)

It's Been a Long Time Comin'...

Well hello everyone! It's been over a year since my last post, and let me tell you, there's good reason for that break. It's been an eventful year, for sure. Since my last post I have:

1.) Completed another year of college, including a social dance class, biochemistry, and my first upper division biology courses (Histology and Honors Virology), both of which have been hard and scary, but very rewarding.

2.) Completed my Honors Thesis Proposal and most of my research for that thesis over the course of the Summer of '10. Research was both frustrating as heck and personally satisfying, as I never thought that I could do such a thing.

3.) Presented two posters pertaining to my research, once at the STEPMT poster day last summer, and the other last week at MTSU Scholar's Day at Murphy Center! I was so pleased to be able to do both, and it helped prepare me to talk to the thesis defense committee about my research.

4.) Lost 80 pounds (!!) after about a year of constant exercise and no dieting (!!!!!). I finally realized that something had to be done about my weight, or I was going to die young and miserable. I simply changed the amount of food and the types of food I was eating, rather than sticking to some regimented diet, and began running on an elliptical machine everyday for 30-45 minutes. It took a long time, and I still have 30-40 pounds to lose, but I know that I can do it, and I'm so thankful that God enabled me to lose it.

5.) Broke off a relationship with my former best friend, and maintained the "broken-up" state thus far. He is a good person, and I love him dearly. However, our relationship was not healthy (my fault as much as anyone else's) and I knew that we simply had to be apart. It's been hard, but I'm a better person for it, and I trust that he feels the same.

6.) Joined the Hampton Care Family on Tuesday nights, which has been a pretty big deal for me. I love having the time to fellowship with my friends, hang out in a family atmosphere, and eat some of Trudy Hampton's ridiculously good cookin'.

7.) Begun to get involved with MTSU's Baptist Collegiate Ministry, which has been absolutely awesome. I've made some great new friends, and....

8.) I applied and got accepted to the LightMessengers BCM Summer Missions program, and thus will be in the Smoky Mountains all summer doing mission work!

So, yes, it's been an eventful year. I'm sure that the remainder of 2011 will be even more eventful, as I will be taking the MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test) May 26th, and applying to medical school (praying I get into Quillen COM!!!) in June. I will also be completing my thesis over the summer and defending it in November of 2011!!

In other news, I have recently developed a major interest in the Arabic language and Arab culture in general, and so I cannot wait to being Arabic classes in the Fall! I'm super excited, and thought I know that it will take a long time to actually learn it, I know that if it's the Lord's will and if I work hard enough, then it'll happen! :)

Over the course of the last year, I have seen Christ work in huge ways in my life. I find it interesting that He seems to bowl me over with something new every time I think I've learned enough and I've got it under control. I've been reading through the Word and talking with Him consistently, and it has truly changed me. However, I have realized as of late that my struggles to control and micromanage my surroundings have turned me into someone that I never intended to be. Such over-attention to detail has somehow caused my to lose sight of Christ's love for me. My rampant perfectionism made me believe that God held me to the same standard of self-made perfection. I truly struggle with the notion that God cannot stand me because of how sinful and unfaithful I am. However, it was not until a couple of days ago, after a good, long, unexpected talk with a friend that I realized that by missing out on His love, I am not only hurting myself, but hurting others because I am incapable of sharing Christ's love with them if I don't understand or have it myself. This realization caused me to feel a strange mix of sadness, regret, peace, and hope. It was very humbling, and has caused me to re-evaluate certain facets of my life. I really have forsaken my first love, and tried so hard to be perfect, to be everything to everybody, and to act as though I have it all together and don't need anyone's help or advice. I've made my faith into some cerebral venture, as well as another strife-filled pursuit, like school. I assumed that, yeah, grace was good for everybody else, since they weren't capable of being as sinless as me, but I could just keep plugging away, working to earn God's favor and somehow live up to the standards of a law that I had created for myself. It doesn't seem so arrogant or wrong when you're in the midst of it, but once you step back and Christ allows you to see yourself for what you really are, it's heartbreaking. I used to read the Bible and scoff at the Pharisees and Israelites for their legalism, hard-heartedness, and inability to accept the truth. That was, until I realized that I was guilty of all of those things. And it made me into a hard-hearted, mean, selfish person, incapable of loving others because I could not accept Christ's love. I'm still struggling with this, as this realization is rather new. But praise God, because He doesn't allow me to continue in sin forever, and because He loves me enough to expose my darkness to His light. So, with His help, I have hope that I can put away this legalism and strife, and stop putting up this arrogant, "I'm perfect" front to everyone around me. By His grace, I will stop being argumentative, brash, and impatient, and will hopefully bear "good fruit" (patience, gentleness, and kindness, to name a few...) I pray that Christ would completely empty me of myself, no matter how much it hurts, and fill me with HIS love. His faithfulness, patience, and goodness amaze me more and more with each passing day.

I decided to start blogging again, both to keep me honest and down-to-earth by sharing about whatever I'm learning at the moment, and to keep everyone updated on what's going on in my world when I leave for my mission at the end of May (5-28-2011).

"Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O LORD supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." (Psalm 94:17-19).